I lost my mum to cancer back in 2010 when she was 48 and I was 16. Along with my dad we nursed her at home in her final months until she passed away peacefully with me and my dad by her side.

Of course I grieved at the time, and spent many years recovering to the point that I can usually say I'm OK and mean it, but I'm strangely struggling with my grief now more than ever - almost 12 years down the line. 

I think I'm coming to mourn not just the loss of my beloved mum, but the loss of the relationship I would have had with her now, as an adult woman. I can't imagine having my mum now, and I can't imagine how our relationship would be. 

I see my friends meeting their mums for coffee at weekends, going on long weekend breaks with them, spending time with them and their own children, and it breaks my heart that we didn't get to have that together, and that it's a relationship I will never know.

When she first passed away I could comfort myself a little because she still felt close enough that I would know what her answer would be if I asked her a question, or as silly as it sounds I could walk into a shop and just know what clothes she would have liked. But the whole world has moved on and it feels like we're in a world now that she never lived in, and there's a distance that comes with that that I'm struggling with. I have no idea what clothes she'd be wearing anymore, what she'd pick up and try on in a shop, or what she would say to me in response to my questions. 

I'm not sure why I'm writing this really, I just have a horrible heartache knowing that this distance will continue to grow. I wish she still felt close. Its like she existed in some sort of past life I lived. 

Does grief really get easier with time or does it just change form periodically throughout the rest of our lives?