Hi, 

I lost my dad to cancer 4 years ago and when he was first diagnosed we were devastated. He had a Grade 4 Glioblastoma a type of brain tumor. He was so devasted to hear they couldn't do anything to help but just give him treatment to slow the progress down he became so reclusive stayed in his bedroom wouldn't talk much.

I was only 21 and I honestly didn't process his illness at all. Cancer changed him and I hated the man he became and now I sit here 4 years later wishing I never was so harsh to him I wish I could take back all the bad things I ever did or said to him. I know it wasn't him because the doctor would tell me the tumor he had does cause mood swings and memory loss but being naive I didn't understand the severity of the situation.

I was his full-time carer with my mum as most of my siblings were either studying or working. I would take him to his radiotherapy sessions every day Monday to Friday and during one of his sessions before we went he asked me to get him some mints from Tesco and I came back with a different brand than the one he wanted he lost it with me in the car shouting all sorts of abuse to me and I remember just driving to the hospitals with tears down my face numb at the reaction over a packet of mints. I parked up went inside he went in for his treatment came out and we drove home he didn't say a word to me on the way back as he was physically and mentally drained. When we got home I went to my bedroom and mum made dinner and he kept calling me down to have dinner. I came down and he could see my eyes red from the tears on my face several times asked me if something happened I said no I'm just tired. He later asked my mum if he had said something to upset me and I could hear them talking from the dining room as my bedroom is right above it. Hearing it became so clear to me that him lashing out wasn't him it was the cancer he broke down to my mum knowing he had said something to upset me she tried to reassure him but he knew in the back of his mind he had said something. He was never an aggressive man he was always soft-natured as kids if we did something wrong we'd run to dad as he would save us from the rage our mother would unleash.

4 years later and I miss my dad more than ever our family has broken down. I feel like I'm living in a house for share I never see anyone leave their rooms unless for work. I wish I could have just a few more hours to talk to him he died 6 months after his diagnosis. The part that hurts me the most is he will never see me get married he will never be there when I have my children or watch my siblings settle down. I still have his phone number saved in my phone and still call his number when I need him. My mum sold the family home as 2 of my siblings have moved out and a part of me resents her for doing so as it was where he died all the good memories we had with him as well as the bad. But, the good memories will forever reside in that home.

I am from a Pakistani background born and raised in the UK but my dad's family are very much still stuck in their traditional roots. When he died his sisters made comments about the passing of a parent hits the daughters more as sons move on and start their own families. My grandmother was also making remarks about how she lost a son and her children lost a sibling. How about us he was our dad my brother was 17 how do these people expect us to cope because I can tell you I haven't even after 4 years I have not. There are still days I sit up in the middle of the night crying. It becomes more bearable but the pain is still there. I will never be able to move on. I don't even visit my grandmother as she hasn't once made the effort to see how we're doing my older brother visits her every 2 weeks but I haven't the last time I saw her was over a year ago when she had a heart attack. Anyone would think after losing a son she'd change and become a different person but she's still the same bitter old woman she's always been causing arguments in families.

Why did GOD take my dad out of all the people on this planet he was only 52 he still had life to live. There are so many things running through my mind constantly things like I wish I never said certain things to him or how I wish I could tell him how much I loved him. I haven't been to his grave in a while I just don't feel right going because in my head I know he shouldn't be there he should be here at home with us not buried in the ground 6ft deep. I work in retail and I see customers come in with their families mums and dads and it breaks my heart knowing my dad's gone and he's never coming back.