My Dad passed away 3 months ago, 4 months after diagnosis.I know it's frowned upon to use that terminology but I can't bring myself to put it more bluntly.

I miss him more and more each day. I feel traumatised by watching him take his last breath. I feel guilty that I didn't properly say all the things I wanted to say to him because I didn't want to acknowledge that he was leaving us.

I'm so sad that due to the drugs and the way his mind was affected in his last few days, his last proper words to me were angry ones.

I'm able to talk to my partner about my feelings but I know he feels helpless when I regularly break down.

My Mum is dealing with it in her own way, and understandably is very focused on her own feelings, which are often angry and resentful feelings at being left alone. She gets out and keeps busy and although I regularly go and spend time with her and have taken on a lot of practical stuff for her, I do feel like she doesn't always want me around because it distracts her from her coping mechanisms. And I completely get that.

My sibling is moving on and making new plans. Almost as though now that the period of Dads illness and passing has gone, they're free to plan trips, etc,  Sometimes I call just to talk about how I miss Dad but they'll talk over me or change the subject or tell me not to dwell on it. That's also fine; we're all different and deal with loss in different ways.

I'm left in a place where I feel really lonely though. I honestly feel like I'm struggling to go on some days. I want to talk to my Dad so badly it physically hurts. 
I'm horribly anxious and scared about the future too; constantly worrying about bad things happening.

I don't expect any answers, it's just that I needed a space to get some feelings out x