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Mum rapidly declined Bowel Cancer - could I have done more?

Jeremy_07
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Please, any thoughts on the below would be apprecated. Mum had bowel cancer - Not sure I did enough?

I've been reading many posts here since my mum passed away in early December 2021. So about three weeks ago. She had been diagnosed with Bowel cancer with significant mets to the liver. She was 85 but in excellent health, mentally super with it and loved life. I spent a lot of time with her over the years, and we had a great relationship. She passed peacefully in a hospice after starting to feel ill three/four weeks before. I was with her the whoel time from the GP vivists (not very helpful) to the CT scan diagnosis, A&E admission, hospital texts late at night reassuring her, home care when discharged and hospice. Every minute, every hour - I was with her.

The loss is massive, and I can still barely fucntion. I'm steering into the grief, and remembering all the good times we had.

But one thing I'm struggling with is the 'shoulve have' feeling around getting regular full on private check ups. We did one in 2018 (all showed as good), but then not in 2019 or after. Both mum and I figured she was good healthy, we would get the screening/health checks done later. But I should have booked one which she would have happily gone to.

I cant help but think, if we had have done the checks we could have found the cancer early, and started treatment, done something to help. Yet I also read in so many of these posts of cancer diagnosis and then treatments which escpecially when the person is older reduced the quality of life, sometimes badly. Creating fear, anxiety.

So I'm not sure how I should feel. She had a happy and fit life up to the end, then a rapid and mostly managed decline and passed peacefully in the hospice. Was that better? Could I have got this diagnised earlier and if lucky enough early enough made a difference.

Thanks for any experience people could share.

J

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    No one asked for this. You or your mum. Even if checked, there is no way anyone could say they would have picked up on anything awry. Even if something was picked up, the outcome could have been exactly the same. You will never ever know the answer to these questions no matter how many times you mull them over in your head. So doing so will only serve one single purpose, putting yourself deeper into that pit of despair.

    It's natural for people to do this when a loved one dies, but deep down and for your own sanity, you will eventually have to let it go and just concentrate on all the things good between yourself and your mum. She obviously knew you loved her and that is all that matters and will matter once you're over the initial shock of it all.

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    Hello Jeremy_07,

                                Its never easy losing your Mum,they are such very special people to you,so its only natural to regret their passing and torment yourself with a long list of "if only's".How lucky have you been to have shared 85 years with her, your bonds going deeper over so many years.making it that bit harder as a double edged sword to come to peace within yourself.

        Writing as someone who has experienced bowel cancer with spread to the liver at the age of sixty,anything l could write could never do justice to the gruelling punishment and beating my body and mind suffered pulling through treatment to recovery.Suffice to say that it took seven years to plateau at a position where life once again looked and felt somewhere south of my previous state.Yes l am enjoying life now,but should l have a recurrance,knowing what l do ,l would not put myself through treatment again at an older age,

    Whilst we are all different and its tempting to use hindsight to feel earlier treatment might have led to a better outcome, but any treatment would always come at a high personal cost, and whilst some may cope better than others ,the trueism that you cannot escape is that everyone will have a heavy bill to pay, and someone of many years has to pay a far greater percentage.of pain,discomfort and suffering.

    l will not tell you how you should feel,that is personal,just that sometimes in life the cost of something you desire comes at a cost that you cannot accept,with the pain of staying for yourself and those around you seeing your declining struggle,outweighing that of leaving gracefully a good life well lived behind you ,with good memories that will be treasured by those that loved you.

    Letting those go that you love quickly,quietly with dignity is a gift that l hope that in time you will come to look upon with a soft warmth within,knowing it was the best of hard roads travelled

      Take care of you, just as your Mum would have wished for you,and l hope in some small way this helps,

               David

                                                                                                            

  • Offline in reply to gruntifen

    David

    Thanks I really do appreciate your reply, I think my mind knows and agrees with what your saying...trying to get my emotions to follow. Just one follow up point. In late 2015 my mum had an collonscopy which removed some non-malignant tumours. The consultant wanted to do a follow up in 2018 but mum was scared of the procedure as it had been uncomfortable for her. She would have loved to have done one in the conext of Australia where they sedate more hevily in the procedue.

    I cant help but feel I could have convivnced the consultant to use more sedation, mum would have then been persuaded to to the 2018 colonscopy - and perhaps that would have stopped the cancer before it started.

    Sorry all these shouldve's etc are a psrt of greif. But I look back to that point - mum regretted not having it - and wonder if that was the magical moment to have avoided mum's bowel cancer. But then again, maybe it would have travelled anyway or was already embedded.

    Best wishes

    Jon

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