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Loved my dad but feel nothing after death. Whats wrong w/ me

Nillyvanilli
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I sadly lost my dad to bile duct cancer on Saturday. 

I loved my dad more than anything in this world. He's always been my biggest supporter, and he's been there for me unconditionally through thick and thin. I've always worried I will never find anyone who comes even remotely close to the unconditional love he has offered me and he was the most respectful, kind-hearted, empathetic, all round wonderful man. 
 

His last few months battling cancer were really tough and painful, and I saw him through his worst. I took him to A&E when his symptoms got worse and stayed with him for 3 days because he was in such excruciating, agonising constant pain that I couldn't leave him as the nurses were too busy to give him the continuous care he needed. 
 

After a month of surgeries, multiple organ failure and rapid deterioration, he passed on Saturday. I saw the life sucked slowly from his eyes and body until he was a lifeless mass on his last day. I feel like I tried everything I could to reverse his symptoms and get him over the multiple hurdles, thinking "after this problem is fixed, everything will be fine" but it just got worse. I feel guilty that I didn't do enough and could have done more.

It's been 4 days since he passed, and though I was extremely upset on the day he left us, on the whole I feel very numb and very disconnected. I don't feel anything. I feel like I'm able to function relatively normally and have been cleaning/doing chores all day and now zoning out to watch tv, although I suppose I can't really concentrate. I have definitely withdrawn and have barely spoken to anyone apart from my immediate family since he died. We had lots of family come over to pay their respects and I did find myself having to leave as I couldn't face seeing people and there is a little anger and resentment towards people trying to reach out and offer help, as I just think "what could you possibly do? You don't understand." 
 

It's all very weird and confusing, and intellectually I know that grief affects people in different ways and there's no "normal" way to grieve, but I'm starting to worry that my detachment and numbness is going to make things very difficult down the line.

I also tested positive for covid today which means I can't attend the funeral on Friday. I also have no strong feeling about this - it's almost like my receptors have just shut off all together.

Has anyone else experienced this? Am I a monster?!

  • Hello Nillyvanilli,

    I wanted to send my condolences for your loss, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. It's natural to feel this way, but it's also important to talk through those feelings and go to your family for support if you need to. There is some advice here, which I hope might be useful to you, and the Cruse bereavement helpline is 0808 808 1677, if you need to speak to someone. We're always here for you on Cancer Chat as well.

    Thinking of you,

    Moderator Anastasia

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    You are definitely not a monster and your reaction sounds very normal. It is still very early days and you are possibly still processing it. While I know the stages of grief are pretty much nonsense and don't describe everybody's experience, the first two are shock and denial, so even the stereotypical view of grief would paint your reaction as extremely normal. The fact that you tested positive for covid may also be playing a part as that is something of a shock too and dealing with it all together is probably pretty overwhelming.

    Try not to think too much about down the line. There is no reason to assume that you will continue to feel like this indefinitely. It is still very early and you will probably have many different feelings as time passes.

    When my dad died, I felt pretty normal, except that I was sort of not fully concentrating/kind of distracted and there was maybe 24 hours when I felt weirdly anxious about everything. I don't think it meant I didn't love him or didn't care or that I am a bad person. I think it was just that he was elderly and I sort of knew it was coming, not right then but sometime in the next few years

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    I'm so sorry. I lost my Daddy on Wednesday the 22nd and he was my world. 
    There is nothing wrong with you lovely - it can be very normal to feel numb. There is no right or wrong way to feel xx

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