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Struggling with everything

Enola66
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Hi

I'm new here and new to forums.im not sure how it works, but I needed to talk to someone. Anyone who might understand.

I lost my beautiful Dad in March 2020, just a few days before the first uk lockdown. He had only been diagnosed with multiple myeloma six weeks before, and we'd been told he had 6 months to a year - although my Dad told me he wasn't going anywhere for at least ten years! I moved in with him the day he was diagnosed and was at his side throughout. 

We had lost my Mum just five years earlier to oesophageal cancer - a disease she could have survived had the GP's she spent three years going backwards and forwards to had bothered to send her for a scan sooner. Instead they kept fobbing her off, telling her her continuous cough was because she smoked, then because she'd given up smoking...and about ten other excuses. Losing my beautiful mum broke my heart, but I had my Dad to stay strong for. We helped each other through it. 

My Dad was so much more than my Dad. He was my best friend, my teacher, my confidant,  my support, my fighter when my health was so bad I wanted to give up. He was my everything. Without him every day feels black and pointless.

I got no support from my two older sisters, instead they made everything harder. They made it all about selling his house  throwing his belongings in a skip...one even told me she had always resented my illness and that they were the only reason I was so close to my mum and dad.

I feel as though I lost everything the day I lost my dad. My entire family. My faith in doctors. My ability to trust anyone.

Then lockdown and Covid and shielding.

My sisters held a memorial service that they knew I couldn't go to because of shielding.

My own health has got so bad that I struggle to walk for more than five minutes now without excruciating pain - I can't even get to my parents grave.

I'm stuck in the house 24/7 in pain, exhausted and feeling anxious and depressed. All I have is my husband but feel I'm nothing but a burden to him. 

I dont know how to get through christmas and new year and I'm scared that things will never get easier.

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    Hi [@Enola66]‍ 

    I am so sorry to hear about the terrible time you are going through and how you feel. I can relate to your story in many ways because my mum died in March, 6 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My brother was supportive to an extent, but it was also about throwing everything in a skip (even before the funeral) and putting the house on the market as soon as possible. It made me feel tremendously sad as I was mum's only carer and I had to watch her decline and take care of her in the last 6 weeks of her life alone. I felt very let down by my brother, who only seems to care about his own life and family. I do think you should speak to a bereavement counsellor, either through your employers, your GP or https://www.cruse.org.uk/. Mental health is very important, and I did 6 weeks of bereavement counselling in April, which helped me to release all the awful sadness that was inside me. Now, I take antidepressants (which I'm not at all embarrassed to admit) and they have completely removed the sadness. I was worried about side effects, but there really aren't any.

    I hope this helps - you are not alone.

     

     

     

     

     

     

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