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Partner diagnosed - how to cope with questions from others?

JuliaM74
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My husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer last week and we are currently waiting for results from the pet scan to see if it's operable (I.e if it has spread or not).

Friends and family know about the diagnosis and text or message me daily (many times a day) asking how my husband is and how I am? Every day they ask this, repeatedly. I know it's because they care and I know it's because they are worried about me/him but it's really making me so cross now.

I know that obviously we are still in shock, and I have batted these questions away with stock answers such as "we are being positive" 'we are as expected", "we'll get there" etc etc but really I want to shout at them  "WELL HE STILL HAS CANCER" /" HE HAS CANCER, HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK HE/WE IS/ARE".

Is this a normal reaction? I want to scream at them and push them away when I am usually a very kind and understanding and above all polite person. My big problem is that I am a 'helper' and not a 'helpee' so I'm really struggling.

I just don't know what to say to them anymore? If I ignore them I know they will swoop round because they will be so worried about me (I know I am very blessed to have these people in my life) but I just can't seem to process everything rationally at the moment?

Any help, advice, suggestions of great replies very much appreciated. ️

  • Welcome to Cancer Chat, JuliaM74.

    I'm sorry to hear that your partner was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer last week and that now you're finding it hard to deal with all the attention the news brought.

    There is no right or wrong way to feel when a loved one is diagnosed with something like cancer so don't beat yourself for not wanting to be polite all the time when you're flooded with questions and messages.

    It might help to talk with people who have been in the same situation. With this in mind, I hope you will meet others here who will be able to relate to your situation, as chatting with those who can understand does seem to help.

    Just remember you're not in this alone, we're here to listen.

    With best wishes to you and your partner,

    Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    I recognise your reaction - I felt the same way, especially when I was coasting along doing some 'normal stuff' not thinking about the cancer thing, when another text popped up! I think a 'Thanks for thinking of us, lots of waiting to do. I promise I will update you when there is any news.' I did send something like this to my Mum and it was enough to get through 'stop asking!'. It was easier once we got into the treatment routine and I could text an update to interested parties every Wednesday evening. A once a week update meant we didn't have to explain all the twists and turns, with appointments set up then cancelled/ moved etc.. Their initial worry will ease off, and as time moves on you will have some specific things to ask for support with, which will make them feel useful. Take care.

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