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Holding her hand....

Dobby1
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My partner was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, from finding a lump to it being removed was less than thirty days, the  speed the NHS Cancer Team moved was incredible! 

Then the  chemotherapy and radiotherapy followed, finally finished in February 21. She was given the all clear in May....and we breathed a sigh of relief. Thinking of moving on and having the surgery to balance up the other side....then they discovered cancer cells in the original breast! So she is now having the whole breast removed.

Its so frustrating for me..as her partner, that there is nothing I can do. I can’t fix it..I can’t make it go away, I can’t make it better. All I CAN  do is to walk alongside her and hold her hand along the path we have been given to tread....

I’m scared...for her and for the future. 

Coukd do with someone to talk with........

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    Hi Dobby,

    A very warm welcome to our forum.

    I can fully appreciate how let down you and your partner feel. Do you know what type or grade of brest cancer she was diagnosed with?

    I had a similar experience 12 years ago. I was initially diagnosed with cancer in one breast and was told that the type I had was unlikely to recur. I had a lumpectomy. Within 6 months I found a larger lump in my other breast. It took 11 months for tests to confirm that this was benign. Then almost a year to the day of my first surgery, I discovered another lump in my original breast. 

    This was a new primary cancer of the same type. I had a double mastectomy. Since then I haven't looked back andI still lead a busy and fulfilled life. I sincerely hope that your partner can do the same.

    This is a scary journey, but as long as you can travel it together you'll both get through it. Just be there for her and give her the support she needs to see this through - that it worth more than you will ever know.

    Please keep in touch and remember that we are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hi Jolamine 

    Thank you for posting a reply....much appreciated! Many years ago I suffered what used to be called a nervous breakdown and found the biggest help in recovery was to know I wasn’t alone, other people were or had gone through exactly the same experience, which helped in the recovery from it.

    I wasn’t sure about using the services available to families, partners etc of Cancer patients, I’m of an age that when I was a kid , someone had cancer it was an instant death diagnosis...no hope of a recovery at all. In was pretty much the normal thing...someone had cancer,they died. That hasn’t left me...despite all the advances in medical science, all the wonderful work by so many Dr’s,Macmillan Staff, Scientists across the world, deep down inside I have a dread that I will lose her.!

    She has been so strong and positive about it all, I felt why do I need to talk to a stranger about it....I’m not the patient,so we talked to each other etc and as I said earlier when given a clean bill of health in May kind of thought that’s it..move on to having the other breast reduction to match etc.

    This reoccurrence really has knocked me down...hence the reach out to others for a bit of group therapy!

    i know we will get through whatever comes along, I will be strong for her and our daughter...but I’m also a big old softy and do now feel a bit of the old chat with others will help!

    Many thanks for replying...I’ts lovely to hear from somebody who has been there..keep in touch 

    All the very best.

    D

    One thing I want to say to anyone reading this...the Medical staff we have had all through this, have all been absolutely amazing! They are utterly brilliant!

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    Hi Dobby,

    I am sorry to hear about your own experience with a nervous breakdown. Having been through this, you realise the benefit of reaching out to others and how this helped in your recovery. Cancer is very much the same. It is hard to watch a loved one going through treatment and you may feel helpless. So long as you are there and holding your partner's hand throughout, you are giving her the strength to get through this. I am very fortunate in that I too have a very caring husband and, I don't think that I could have come through this without his help and support. Even so, he still went to see a counsellor because he had similar concerns to yours.

    I too am of an age where a cancer diagnosis, was an instant sign of imminent death. I lost my mum to cancer 24 years ago. There is just no comparison in the diagnosis, treatment and aftercare which we both received. There have been some tremendous advancements in the intervening years, but we do sadly, still lose some people, despite the fact that breast cancer is one of the most treatable forms of cancer nowadays. Most of us are now living with it instead of dying with it.

    There are many different types of breast cancer. Some have better outcomes than others. This was why I asked you in my first post about the type and grade of breast cancer she has. I am glad to hear that you have talked about this in depth and I know just how upsetting it is to find that it is back again. It is hard not to become sceptical at times, but try to remain positive. A positive attitude is such a help in dealing with this disease, no matter how poor the outcome appears.

    Have either of you thought about seeing a counsellor? This might help you to get away from some of your deep seated notions of such a gloomy outlook. Cancer affects all of the family and you are entitled to access many of the services that your partner can. Maggies and the Haven are two centres where you will both be welcome to pop in at any time. You can visit for a welcome cuppa and a chat, or you can make an appointment to access some of the free alternative therapies and walking groups that they offer. Ovbiously, patients have first priority, but you can avail of these services too. It is helpful to be able to talk to others who are in a similar position to yourselves.

    There are many similar organisations throughout the country. Your GP, consultant or breast care nurse should be able to point you in the right direction.  Through doing this, I eventually found various people that I gelled with and we formed our own support group.

    When is the next surgery due to take place? I hope that there's not too long to wait.

    Please keep in touch and remember that no matter how bad things are, we are always here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine 

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    In the same position as you, mate.

    I've felt totally helpless. Can do nothing. At first I was trying to help her, but I ended up annoying her and truth be told, I was annoying myself.

    The best thing you can do is listen. If she wants anything, she'll ask. She doesn't need the added pressure of a over helpful partner. Sometimes they want to do "normal" stuff for themselves. I found myself doing everything and after a week, she was complaining she had nothing to do to keep busy and she wanted to keep busy and still does. She also clearly stated she wasn't a bed bound invalid, so i wasn't to treat her like she is.  So yeah, listening is the best gift you can give anyone.  We all like our voices to be heard.

    By just being there, walking by her side, holding her hand, you're doing it all right. Shoe on the other foot, I'd just want to know someone is there should i ever need to talk and feel secure.

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