My mum was diagnosed with a degenerative illness about 15 years ago, 2 years after that she was diagnosed with cancer. She was also incredibly ill from chemo and on one afternoon when I visited, I was asked to go in to the ‘family room’ where I was told how ill she was, that they were moving her to ICU and that they were hoping to bring her round within 24 hours otherwise things were looking bad for her. I was on my own in that room and I was about 22. It was quite traumatic. Fast forward to now, I’m 35, I have 3 stepchildren (2 of which have learning difficulties) and I live 2 and a half hours away. My mum now has stage 4 cancer. My mum is a very very different person to what she used to be. We used to love shopping and dinners and chats and painting nails. She’s now angry and bitter and sharp and rude. She blames me for a lot of the way she feels (she goes through phases where she will also blame my older brother who has never had much communication with my parents). She will often tell people I don’t care, that she’s disappointed in me, that I hurt her more than anyone. that I make no effort and that my sister in law cares more than I do. She has pushed a lot of people away including her own twin sister and will also blame them - saying they don’t care. It is hard to ever discuss anything with her as she will always bring it back to herself (if you say you are tired her response is generally ‘how do you think I feel?’). I am fairly newly married, we changed our initial wedding plans because she said she couldn’t come otherwise. The guilt and grief we received before we made changes was chronic and caused an awful lot of heartache for my husband and I. My brother experienced similar a couple of years ago, however they did not make changes. He has since had a baby and this seems to have influenced my mum to feel much more positive towards him. I have also suffered from challenges with my mental health for about 18 years. Over the last several years I have started to put boundaries in place with regards to communication and contact in order to try and keep myself mentally safe. The guilt I now cary for my mother is huge, that I have made things worse and that I have not been good enough. I am aware she doesn’t like me very much and I know I can’t change this. I continue to send pictures of where we live, our home improvements, my husband and I and our dog and children. I never get a reply. When I do call her she ends our conversation quickly and I cannot remember the last time she told me she loves me. I’m sure I sound awful. I just needed a safe place.
