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Boyfriend's mum advanced ovarian cancer

Mariel888
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Hi everyone... 

Advice would be very much appreciated. 

I'm experiencing so many conflicting emotions and thoughts right now. My boyfriend's mum has advanced ovarian cancer. She started a new round of chemo but reacted badly to it. Blood results have suggested that chemo isn't helping her anymore and she has been discharged from the hospital.

She's currently experiencing a bowel obstruction due to the cancer. She's very weak and can't even use the bathroom. We are doing all that we can to research solutions and get treatment or surgery (stroma/stent) for her.

I'm feeling quite blank and numb and just trying to get on. I'm trying to support my boyfriend but his mum's illness has come between us over the last year, we've come close to breaking up because his lack of availability for me has quite frankly broken my heart. But I've always been faithful and had hope for us. I've accepted that I'm not a priority and I've put no pressure on him. But obviously that's had a negative impact on me and made me think about my life choices.

I love his mum but amongst the sadness and fear is anger. She refused having debulking surgery ages ago and I think if she had had it she would be surviving and thriving. It makes me feel so bad on so many levels.

I'm at a loss... 

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    Can I suggest that there are some possible unhealthy dynamics at play between the three of you as I've been there myself. If it doesn't resonate then please ignore! It sounds like you are a very caring person but taking on far too much responsibility? This is not your mum and not your mother in law - she is your boyfriend's responsibility. Yes, you can support him and her but in a way that does not drain you so you may need to look at boundaries and whether you are someone - like me - who is too much of a caretaker.

    Your boyfriend may have some attachment issues with his mum. I can understand him needing some emotional support and understanding but this should not be ruining your relationship. You don't say how long you have been together but it could be time to ask yourself whether it's worth continuing. It's as though you've got sucked into this drama triangle. Unless his mother is not capable of rational thought - she should be taking responsibility for playing an active role in her care. She should also have a cancer nurse who should be taking some of the burden off.

    It's totally understandable you are angry and upset but the hardest part is accepting that you are contributing to this situation too. There is no point in getting over involved and expecting people to return your care etc - some people just can't reciprocate and will take advantage of empathy 

    There is nothing wrong with saying you need time out for your mental health. Your boyfriend is a grown adult and you are not responsible for him. I gave myself a horrendous breakdown by hanging in there with a similar situation and I had to take a long hard look regarding the fears, dynamics behind my own need to take care of others before myself x

  • Offline in reply to Anon.J

    Hi Jo.bs,

    I really appreciate your reply. It is very kind of you to offer your support and understanding.

    My bf and I have been together for 5 years. In all that time we have hardly had much time to ourselves. He still lives with his parents as do I. We started looking for our own place, and then his mum was diagnosed. His father is still working and has much more of an active life with some separation from the situation. I don't know why this has predominantly become his duty, and not his dad's or, as you suggested, a nurse's.

    I think you're right. He does have some attachment issues with his mum. I've been thinking this for a while but always doubted myself. Now that you have mentioned it, I don't doubt so much. It's been a long, difficult situation for me.

    A few years ago for our birthdays as a joint present she paid for us to go on holiday. I thought that meant just me and her son. But it included her and my bfs dad. She dominated the holiday, made my bf drive everywhere, and everything that I suggested we do was always met with a reason not to. When I took some time to myself because I was quite frankly frustrated, she accused me of being selfish. Even though I had given up all of my expectations and she was having everything her way.

    Seeing her as she is now is very sad because obviously I very much want her to be well again because I know what it means to my bf. But I can't deny that I feel angry towards her for very determinedly avoiding surgery that could have significantly improved her condition. And I wonder if she is using her condition to dominate her son and to remain number 1 in his life. So he remains childish. Regardless of what happens to us, I can't see him ever being able to be a man, start a family and commit to a partner. I'm not saying any of this to smear her. That's just been my experience. And it's difficult to reconcile this with how awful I feel for her and my bf.

    You're right. I am part of the problem by accepting it for so long. I don't know why I haven't been able to move away and I don't know why it's so hard to do.

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