Hi, my partner (Z) and I are both 25 and started dating about a year ago. In January this past year, he was diagnosed with seminoma testicular cancer, with a large tumor in his testicle and a 10 cm, grapefruit-sized tumor in his abdomen. At this point, we had grown very close despite only dating for six months, so when he asked me to move in with him and his parents after the diagnosis, I did. He got four rounds of EP and finished late July. However, just when we thought we were out of the woods, in early September, his scans & bloodwork revealed the tumor barely shrunk, and his tumor markers increased. The worst part came this past Monday, though, when he found out he was initially misdiagnosed and actually has non-seminoma and will now need an RPLND to remove the 9cm tumor from his abdomen, potentially followed by two additional chemo rounds.

The timing couldn't be worse because *right* before finding all this out (when we thought things were over), I moved out of his family's house, back to the city where I was living previously (~3 hours away). His family lives in a very rural, isolated town, and neither of us planned for me to stay that long in the beginning. Since we had only been dating six months, it was presented more like, "Hey, I would love for you to come with me for even just a month and leave whenever..etc." Well, one month turned into six, and though I am so happy I could be there for him during that time, once chemo was over and (we thought) things were okay, I was itching to get back to the city. The area is just so isolated with not much work, requires driving to get anywhere (which I can't because of a seizure condition), and doesn't have opporutnities to do what I love (music/ comedy). Chief among other reasons, I wanted to move because I felt insanely worn out from the previous six months of caretaking. I feel so bad to say that considering what Z went through and how worn out he must be, but it's true. 

Z is just someone who always has a happy face on, is super upbeat to all the doctors and nurses, and never shows when he's struggling or in pain (even when it's extreme). The downside, though, is that it masks his real feelings, and because he doesn't want to share with anyone else, I'm the only person he'll talk to or confide in, which just really put an enormous strain on me. I've urged him to talk to support groups or see a therapist, but Z refuses and says that I'm enough; but, *I* don't think I'm enough. I love to make Z happy and be there for him. Still, when hearing things like, "I don't want to go on," "you are the only thing keeping me going," "there's no purpose to life" that he refuses to tell anyone else, I feel 1) an immense weight on my shoulders to keep him afloat, and 2) worried if I fail, he could do something harmful to himself. I was so worried that I ended up telling his parents my concerns (which he was very upset about for a while) but ended up instigating a good, much-needed conversation around my needs, which I had never really brought up before. As a result, we decided I'd move back to the city for a few months to be joined by Z in the new year after he rested a bit and saved some money.

Fast forward to now - it's been a month, and the separation is taking its toll on Z, especially after this news of the misdiagnosis and surgery we got Monday. I plan to visit frequently and for a more extended period during the surgery, but honestly, I don't want to move back but feel immense pressure to do so now with the latest news. In my heart, I want to move back, I do, but I feel so exhausted and barely hanging on myself. (Which I feel super bad and guilty saying considering the position Z is in), but I'm just 25; I have no idea what I'm doing with life; I'm in such a financially and mentally precarious position right now, and it's just hard to be someone's rock when you barely stable yourself, you know? If he were somewhere where I could live everyday life, it would be different, but because he's in such an isolated place where I can't get around, can't get work... etc., I just foresee slipping back into a heavy depression with no support network able to help me, as I must stay the strong support in this situation for him and his parents.  

At the same time, as bad as I feel for saying this compared to what he's experiencing, and even worse for wanting to "live life" while Z is in bed alone, I also feel like I deserve to take care of myself too. I love Z so much, but I've been able to take care of and pay attention to myself for the first time in so long this past month.  AH, I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive. I just don't know how to balance my needs with his too. Now, with the news of the surgery, we have had multiple multi-hour calls a day the past week, many of which tell me how lonely he is and how much he wants me there. I love him so much and want to support him, but 1) feel like I say all the wrong things even though I've read so many resources, 2) feel so much pressure to move back, or like I'm the only thing that can make him happy, and 3) don't have the capacity for this level of dependency given my work. He's going through so much, so it's understandable when he gets upset or takes it personally when I need to leave, but, I'll tell you, it's wearing me down. I don't want to lose him or break up, but I don't want to be a lousy partner either - I'm trying my best, but I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I'm a horrible person for wanting to stay in the city, or if I should try to cheer him up when he's sad, let him cry, or what to say at all really because I feel so guilty for not being there and that's so much of what he talks about. I could use some help. 

I love Z so much, and I think they could be in my life for a long time; I just don't know how to handle this. I feel like I was the best partner the first four rounds of chemo -- went with him every day, was his primary caretaker, we were always laughing in the infusion room, I really felt like I was there for him. That said, I feel like I've crashed and need time, but I also feel guilty for needing that time because he doesn't have that luxury. Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long. I've never really talked to anyone about all this because I haven't wanted to take the focus away from Z, but I could use some advice. I'm not sure what to do, especially with how pressed he is right now and just feeling so lost.