Hello, I feel numb - and lost. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 3 weeks ago. It was a complete shock. The way we found out really floored me. It's been surreal. He was told on the Monday he had gallstones but by the Thursday he looked so unwell I got him admitted. Next day we were told it was cancer. Conicidentally we were taken into the exact same room I'd been taken to when told that my mother was being put on a ventilator before she died five years ago. Then it was back to a ward with no privacy. I was the only visitor allowed. Oh how I hate that hospital!!
Well after keeping him in for more than another week on the premise of doing an ERCP, they came instead while he was waiting to get taken in his wee gown, all fasted etc that they'd changed their minds. There was no point in doing the procedure ( it had been cancelled previously because they had an emergency come in) but now it was because of vascular involvement, it was deemed it too dangerous. He asked how long and was told a couple of months, possibly 3 and thst he could go home. They discharged him after making his sit for three extra hours for Creon tablets when he already had some in his bag.
That was a fortnight past. He lives on his own and has since my mum died suddenly 5 years ago. I live close (ish) by and after staying for a few nights, he told me to go home as I have two young kids and a husband in the Navy. He wanted some time. Fair enough. We visit most days for either lunch or dinner but I don't keep the kids too long as he gets tired. He's still managing to potter about the house ( he spends half his life on the toilet) but I can see him getting weaker each day. I'm so worried all of the time, even though im trying to be strong and not be in his face. I realise he needs some time too, and while he can he says he wants to have his independence but a) I worry and b) I want to spend time with him c) I'm scared he's just saying that cause he feels like a burden. We've made a lovely memory having a shout out on the radio and people have been in to visit - that's the other thing. It's hard to be the gatekeeper of his diary suddenly. I ask him if he's up to seeing xyz on say Thursday but he just says how the hell do I know how I'll be on Thursday?
The hospice nurse if getting back in touch in 2 weeks but has told me if my dad collapses, I've not to do anything drastic - just to make him comfortable. Now I'm thinking I should be there all the time incase this happens.
I keep saying to myself, I have to be able to live with every decision I make just now. My head is scrambled.
Mostly though, I'm just sad. Everything I've ever known is about to change and it's hard to get my head around it. I don't fell like I can be strong. He's my dad and he's dying.
Just thought if I vent and let my thoughts to others going through the same thing it might help x
