Advice on getting someone to talk

Hi All. My mum has recently been diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. She needs a mastectomy and radiotherapy over the next few months. She has a shortened life expectancy but certainly isn't terminal. My mum doesn't open up easily about anything, let alone her cancer; she internalises everything and takes her emotions (anger and frustration) out on her close family. We (my dad, sister and I) try to approach the C subject with caution to understand a bit more about the treatment plan, diagnosis, how she's feeling and to ask how we can support, but the conversation is shut down immediately. It's the big elephant in the room that we can't talk about with fear of pushing mum over the edge... she fills the silent void with drivel (not normal) so nobody gets the opportunity to bring up the C word... Because she internalises everything she doesn't want anyone, not even close family, knowing of her diagnosis and treatment, so it's difficult for her family to have the "therapy" we need to process it all as we are unable to openly discuss the situation with anyone. We can't talk about why we feel the way we do (i.e wanting to talk to others) as mum says it's an attack on her and us justifying our position. Has anyone been in a similar position to me or my mum, and have you got any advice on how to improve things and get her to open up and see that we are here to support her?? Help, please!! Thank you

Parents
  • Sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis, but Stage 2 is curable and won't necessarily shorten her life span.

    I can't advise you, not knowing your mum, but I can give you my perspective as a mother who has cancer (stage 3 when discovered).  

    I was diagnosed 5 months ago and I have had major surgery and numerous tests before and since then. I have told only my closest family (husband, grown-up children and my siblings) and 2 or 3 close friends.  I haven't started chemo or other treatment which may make it obvious (sudden baldness would be a bit of a give away!)  It feels like quite a private thing.  Also, I dont want people worrying, being upset or, God forbid, feeling sorry for me.

    I don't really discuss it with my children; I don't share my worries, though I do let them know when any decisions are made.  I know they support and love me and of course I value that and l love them dearly.  I just don't want my life to be defined by cancer.  I prefer to have 'normal' conversations when we talk.  There's enough time spent on all the appointments, the therapies and the angst, without having it as the major topic of conversation.  It's just too depressing.

    I understand your need to process this situation as a family and it must be terribly difficult to do it without all the information.  That said, I don't think you can get her to open up if she is not ready.  You will have to be patient and reassure her (without mentioning cancer) that if she needs any help such as transport or shopping, you'll be there for her.

    There is a lot of helpful information on the CRUK website about stages of breast cancer and I believe treatment tends to follow a fairly well-defined path, so you can find out most of the answers to your medical questions here.  www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../breast-cancer

Reply
  • Sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis, but Stage 2 is curable and won't necessarily shorten her life span.

    I can't advise you, not knowing your mum, but I can give you my perspective as a mother who has cancer (stage 3 when discovered).  

    I was diagnosed 5 months ago and I have had major surgery and numerous tests before and since then. I have told only my closest family (husband, grown-up children and my siblings) and 2 or 3 close friends.  I haven't started chemo or other treatment which may make it obvious (sudden baldness would be a bit of a give away!)  It feels like quite a private thing.  Also, I dont want people worrying, being upset or, God forbid, feeling sorry for me.

    I don't really discuss it with my children; I don't share my worries, though I do let them know when any decisions are made.  I know they support and love me and of course I value that and l love them dearly.  I just don't want my life to be defined by cancer.  I prefer to have 'normal' conversations when we talk.  There's enough time spent on all the appointments, the therapies and the angst, without having it as the major topic of conversation.  It's just too depressing.

    I understand your need to process this situation as a family and it must be terribly difficult to do it without all the information.  That said, I don't think you can get her to open up if she is not ready.  You will have to be patient and reassure her (without mentioning cancer) that if she needs any help such as transport or shopping, you'll be there for her.

    There is a lot of helpful information on the CRUK website about stages of breast cancer and I believe treatment tends to follow a fairly well-defined path, so you can find out most of the answers to your medical questions here.  www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../breast-cancer

Children
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