My partner was diagnosed with stage 4 melenoma just over a month ago. He doesnt want to know what times hes got left (sometimes i wish he would but i understand why he wont). His cancer has spread to his liver, lungs, sternum, stomach, spine, kidneys and brain. Its all so over whelming! hes only 38 and i keep thinking we havent lived our life together properly yet - we had plans how can this be happening!
He has been really struggling with the pain - hes on morphine tablets, liquid morphine, paracetamol and so much more - all in the hope the he can get out of bed. He can walk (has pain in his knees) but stays in bed because its comfortable. i want to get him back down in the living room to intergrate in the family but think this will need to be done slowly as his body is so used to laying down.
Hes just had his 2nd round of immunotherapy and hopefully there will be no severe side effects - we wont know if it has worked until after his 4th round in mid July - im so scared that it wont work and our time will be shorter again, but i hold onto every positive and change that indicates it may be working - his original lump has reduced (he thinks) and it no longer hurts.
Ive tried approaching certain topics with him but he doesnt open up much - hes always been the same so this isnt new - he says hes okay with everything but i wish he would open up! He doesnt like it if i get upset around him so ive taken to diary writing and crying at very random times - such as when cooking! Im usually okay when talking about the diagnosis and treatment - it gets me when i think of what comes after. The thought of him not being here is too much for me. Ive known him for 19 years, weve been in and out of a relationship for 10 and finally got our acts together 3 years ago but despite all our ups and downs over the 10 years he was always my best friend. i will not cope with loosing him and everyday i dread that the day is getting closer.
I dont know what to do or if what i am doing is right etc. Ive read enough to know that we dont have years but i wish i knew what time we were looking at because he doesnt want to know i worry that if its a few months we are wasting time because he is so closed to talking. But then i hold out hope that maybe he will be one of these amazing immunotherapy cases ive read about and defy the odds.
