So this journey is all about bumps in the road, I think today I am well and truely in one of the dips - ended up in floods of tears with my counselor this morning and that never happens.
My wife has been in hospital for almost 2 weeks now and she is so weak (likely to be down to her swelling caused by a tumour blocking a lymph vessal and / or steroids) - I helped her get ready for bed, applied cream to her body to soothe her sores and she said:
- Its just really nice to have some skin to skin contact - me? Heart broken that my wife should feel that she is missing contact, as her husband I should be able to stop her feeling like this
- She hopes that I get over having to see her like this in the future - she has no idea what eyes I look at her with - I see the same amazing woman that I married 19 years ago despite what ravages this disease is doing to her
- She has snaffled some jam portions from her hospital breakfast and sent them home with me to go in the fridge for next time we go camping (she's always amazing at planning) - I would give anything to know that we will make it out in the fields again.
- I pick up the kids and talk to the in laws - the father in law desparately asks "but her prognosis is still good?" me? My heart breaks again
- I put 2 primary school kids to bed, happy having spent a gloroius sunny day playing with their friends and playing at their grandparents - they know their Mummy is ill, but have no idea of the seriousness and as happens most days I watch them sleeping and worry about the news that they may get soon (how long? I don't know) that will destroy their little worlds - how will they cope if they lose their Mum
I go to bed, full of love for the family and despair at the situation.
The road is hard...
