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Being shut out of decisions

Char73
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My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few days ago. My mum and my sibling who still lives at home are making decisions without consulting my dad.

I can see my dad perks up when I go over along with my kids two of which are adults. My dad dotes on my kids always has. My brother told me my mum thought my dad shouldn’t have any visitors the next day then told one of his brothers they shouldn’t visit. 

My mum asked one of the nurses to speak with my sister in law without consulting my dad to get his permission and they did. 

I obviously don’t want to tell my dad and I feel like they think I should my speak up. The point of palliative care is making the person being in control and I feel like my mum isn’t giving my dad the option. Is it not his choice if he wants to see his brothers, daughter and grandchildren? 

I don’t want to cause friction but I can’t see my dad being kept in the dark 

 

 

 

 

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    So is this all about your Dad having visitors? Or is there a bit about your sister-in-law being given your Dad's medical details without his consent.  I can recall being very upset that my mother refused to have my Dad back home when he was dying from lung cancer.  He wanted to be at home and I was going to help.  I was really annoyed at her.  Maybe you could get the nursing staff and GP to call a 'care planning' meeting at the surgery or at the house.. Relevant family members to be present including your Dad!! Get the subject of emotional health addressed and there you discuss the issue of visiting.  Your dad can state his wishes.  Your mother can state her views.  If necessary draw up a visiting rotary which is not too strenuous for your Dad.  Retired social worker here.

  • Offline in reply to Celticlass

    WThank  you. 

    I don’t think I worded what I posted very well. My problem is that my mum seems to want to make certain decisions without consulting my dad. 

    I’m extremely close to my dad and want to see him every day and I know he wants to see myself and his grandkids as much as possible just now because he told me. My dad is unaware that my mum and brother have said they want days with no visitors. I don’t want my dad to know this so have spoken with them to say I think the decision lies with my dad and whatever he wants is paramount to what anyone else wants.  

    This morning he woke up and got dressed for the first time since being diagnosed a few days ago. He asked if anyone was coming over. I know my mum and brother need their space as well but when I’m there they could use the time to take a break. It’s like they’re afraid to leave me alone with him and I don’t know why. They won’t give a straight answer if I ask.

    Obviously as time goes on and he goes further downhill he may not be in a position to make decisions for himself. I’ve never encountered cancer this closely before but is it not vitally important that the person who is suffering needs to feel in control of their life as much as they can be? 

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