Hi. I'm 53, my husband is 59. Three years ago he had kidney cancer picked up early. After an operation to remove half a kidney, he recovered well. 

The last regular scan picked up 4 nodules on his lungs. Three on one, one on the other. He was told it's treatable but incurable. His prognosis isn't as dire as others, it's about 4 to 5 years. 

For the first two weeks, I threw my energy into finding the best treatment to prolong his life. I became superwoman for him. Now, we have a plan of sorts in place of treatments but I've fallen apart. He has settled into a calmness now but I'm an anxious, stressed shell.  Whenever I'm in crowds it with people I don't know, I have an anxiety attack. Feeling dizzy, wobbly and out of control. Even at my sister's yesterday with my parents, I just needed to leave the room. My sister lost her husband five years ago and understands. I suddenly realised that I don't feel safe anymore, that the ground is shifting beneath my feet and I've lost my balance. I rang the Maggi centre and have booked for some counselling next week. I know I need to be proactive.

What frightens me is that I may feel like this for the years he has left. It's a long time to feel so scared. He's my rock and I'm already having separation anxiety. It's like a living grief. The covid pandemic hadn't helped of course, stuck in until things reopen....and then we will be locked down again sometime with this new variant. We both had covid last December and I'm still not right after that, though my husband kicked it's *** and is fine. I feel such a wimp, while he's coping much better. I feel so self indulgent just moaning on here but I'm hoping someone else feels the same dealing with a long prognosis. How do I settle into acceptance? How do I ignore the giant egg timer that sits behind us? Thank you x