Hi Walker,

A very warm welcome to our forum, albeit I wish that you were here under better circumstances. Please don't feel so hard on yourself. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it, but all his nearest and dearest too. Do I take it that this is a recent diagnosis and, can I ask what type and grade of cancer he has? This information can often be helpful in matching you up with others in the same situation.

Most of us feel cheated and, to some extent, in denial at first, but we eventually come to accept it and it becomes a little easier to cope with. Do you think that speaking to a counsellor might help? I know that my hubby had to do this when I was diagnosed 11 years ago and, it did help him to deal with his emotions.

You are very brave to admit to your feelings so openly, but rest assured that this is all part of dealing  with the shock. 

Please keep in touch and reember that we are always here for both of you on bad days as well as good.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

My husband has had bowel cancer for 2 years ,he was operated on and was given a colostomy bag for life ,he has been so brave he had to go on depression tablets because he struggled a lot with it obviously,but I hand on my heart don't feel any different about him because of the bag but we now sleep in different beds it started when he was unwell ,I missed him so much it hurt but after 2 years he never asked me to go back in the room and tell me he missed me and I'm so angry after 35 years I feel I've been cheated (nothing to do with sex) just cuddles and affection .I feel selfish but I want to go to bed and wake up with someone ,we've talked about this and he says I can sleep in there anytime but you can tell he doesn't want it ,he's just trying to keep me happy .I hate cancer it's cruel .but I just want to know am I the only *** who picks on someone with cancer ,I know I'm wrong and I think I'm having a breakdown it's 2 years we should be getting better and it's getting worse ,I'm constantly on edge thinking the cancer could come back and I've wasted 2 years  but I can't carry on with no affection ,I hurt 24|7 please help 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  I'm not an expert, but I would suggest that you talk to your GP and get some advice or counselling.
Sounds like you told your husband that you love him and miss the cuddles, and if he's trying to keep you happy it must be the same for him.  I imagine that colostomy is a terrible embarrassment for him and he'd be worried about accidents, so perhaps he could get some reassurance from his medical care team, or even from this site.
I wonder if it would help if you suggest joining him in bed for a quick cuddle and then going into another bed to sleep?  That might put you on the path to spending the whole night together without worrying.
You're perfectly justified in feeling angry and cheated, so don't feel bad for having those emotions, but if you can find another target for your anger (by talking to someone else) that would relieve your guilt feelings.
I really feel for you and I hope you can get some help so you can move forward and enjoy life again.

Thank you so much for listening I really appreciate it ,I think I know I'm getting depressed but I don't want to take tablets as I think it's not a good time with him not being well ,and I did used to go in the room to watch tv with him but in my mind I'm visiting ,I'm sorry you must think I'm a nut but I can't get this empty feeling out of my system I know it's me and I can't put it right .I think counselling might be the answer I hope,I'm normally a very strong person I just need to know other people feel like me or am I just horrible ,it's not even me who has the cancer how am I being so mean

I think your right I think I was looking for a push, I would never talk to strangers  let alone come on a forum but I think sometimes it's best to admit your struggling and lots of minds are better than one ,thank you 

Hi there, 

I just read your story, and I read story every night, yours I can honestly connect with 100%

yoyr not horrible your having normal feelings, my hubby is in hospital now he had a feeding tube fitted, I'm so happy his there, I'm having a break, hope he can stay a few days, his so demanding, hard work at times. When I'm feeling horrible thoughts towards him I always confined in my best friend, she puts it into prepestics and talk it through with me, at times I feel angry, selfish, lonely think horrible things but were normal, I'm on medication for depression have been for a while, but god knows how I would be without them .

si talk to close friends, family or see go for councierling what you think would help , but don't bottle it in and tablets  there no help for a bit not long term, I take anything I'm offers cause looking after people we love , we need all the help we can get too to have the strength to cope!!

But your not horrible just human xx

take care xx

Aw you know you just don't know how much I feel better I'm crying now thinking I'm not alone,I had such a good life we were never apart had arguments like anybody else but we were so fortunate in life 35 years together and now w can't even sleep together, talk properly ,go out anywhere because bless he gets tired .holidays are not going to happen again ,it's hard for him to be round people because he gets embarrassed and like I say I get angry ,I say sometimes a lot of the time and then the guilt comes ,then I think I should leave he'd be better off without the grief as he has enough to cope with ,it's just a continuous battle in your head plus I think COVID hasn't helped ,I just want him to cuddle me both have a good cry and get it all out but it's not happening 2 Years on ,so will it ever happen or is this our lot but thanks for the chat and I hope you have some you time 

Hi Walker,

I thought that it might be something like this. My best friend was in in a similar situation with bowel cancer for years. She and her husband had been a very close couple for many years. She got through her surgery stoicly and then had to deal with her colostomy, which was irreversible. She really was a trooper and was so positive right to the very end. Like you and your hubby, they moved to single beds immediately after her surgery and this was a big miss. As Elljay mentioned she was embarrassed about ‘the bag’ and they were always afraid of accidents.

I truly feel for you and understand why you feel so upset after being happily married for 35 years. Please forgive this next brutal question, but this is also a possibility. Have you thought of the likelihood that your husband is afraid of death and, trying to prepare you for living on your own one day? Many of us, when given a cancer diagnosis, think the worst and try to place our ducks in a row before we go. This fear can be all consuming and causes us to withdraw into ourselves and, it sounds as if this might be happening to your husband. We naturally try to protect our loved ones as much as we can and to prepare them for a future without us in it and, I wonder if thismight be what is going on?

You have obviously tried to talk to him about this, but it sounds as if you haven’t managed to get him to open up and you have had little feedback from him. Why not write down why you feel as you do and how you feel that this could be helped? Then ask him for an open and frank discussion about the state of affairs. It has possibly taken all his strength to get through everything that has happened within the past two years. When someone is depressed they often retreat back into their shell and don’t realise or even think about how this is impacting on their partner.

I am living with a partner who reacted in a similar manner, albeit a different life-limiting illness,  for a number of years before we ‘cracked his shell’ and got to the root of the matter. There are so many issues going on here and they all sound pretty complex. It may seem strange, but often just talking to an impartial stranger, who is experienced in these matters, can give you some ideas of how to surmount this problem. Seeking the help of a counsellor is not a sign of defeat, but of how dedicated you are to try and get your marriage back on track. Again, if you decide to do this, it is helpful to be armed with a list of the gripes that are upsetting you from the very outset. Do you have any support from family and friends? I know that it is difficult during the current pandemic, but you need support too.

This is a time in your life when you should be closer than ever. You should be making memories together while you can and, I suspect that with a little bit of help you will get back on track very soon.

Here’s wishing you the strength to see this through.

Please keep in touch and remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi thanks so much for your input  ,that's a point I never thought about . You know the sad thing is I don't care about the bag I can deal with that ,it's I think when you go to bed you talk and when you wake up you talk and all the closeness is gone ,and I think I know if I was true to myself it isn't coming back my husband how he and we were is gone and it terrifies me .after being on here yesterday it did me the world of good I've been a lot better today ,we have messed around with jobs in the house etc and it felt normal ,so I will stay on the forum as I think everyone's input is helping a lot thankyou