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Talking to children: my husband has testicular cancer

Katie87
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Today we have found out my husband has testicular cancer which has also spread to he's stomach. This is the third time he has had this the last being 5 years ago he's only 31. 
They have talked about surgery and he will be starting chemo again soon. Honestly can't believe we are going through this all again it's absolutely devastating. 
We have 2 beautiful girls and the thought of going through this all alone in this lockdown is so frightening especially when he's recovering from chemo. Last time he was having it once a week and he felt awful as expected. 
My eldest is 7 and my youngest is 1. I'd really love some advice on how and when they broke it to your children? My 7 year old isn't silly and knows something is wrong but I have no idea how to handle it this time round now she's older. 
Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks x

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    Hello Katie87, 

    I am so sorry to hear your husband is going through this at such a young age. I hope that surgery works wonders for him and that he won't have to wait long to start his chemotherapy treatment. It must be so hard for you to have to go through it all again with two young children, one of them still a baby really. 

    Finding the right words to talk to children can be really difficult and I hope you will hear from some of our members' experiences who have had to have this difficult conversation with their little ones. We have a useful page on our website on talking to children about cancer which you can find here. I hope that you will find the resources listed there helpful. 

    I will now let our members come and share their own tips with you based on their own personal experiences of talking to children about cancer. I hope that your husband can start his treatment soon and we're thinking of you during this difficult time. 

    Best wishes,

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi katie

     So sorry to hear about your husband, I can't imagine what the past 5 years have been like for you alL.

    My husband has been battling cancer for the last 18 months with radiotherapy, chemo & surgery. We recently heard it has spread elsewhere. We have an 8 year old at home who has been watching his daddy go through it all. We took the decision not to use the word cancer. Rightly or wrongly. All I know is that when I hear the word on the radio or TV it gives me a physical reaction and we didn't want that for our child. We just say daddy is very poorly and having super powerful medicine to try and make him better. We find out in a month if this current round of chemo is working, if it's not, I'm not sure what to say next...  . I have spoken to my child's school at length who have been incredible and have put support in place already. Is that an avenue you can try? Lockdown is making everything so much harder, especially for kids.

    Sending you and your family my very best wishes. If you'd like to chat further I'd be very happy to. 
    Do take care of yourself too xx

  • Offline in reply to LouD100

    Hi Lou

    Thanks so much for you message. I'm so sorry to hear your all going through this horrible time. I really hope the chemo will work for you husband. Keeping everything crossed!

    I agree with you not using the word cancer. I guess there's no right or wrong but I think we feel that we aren't going to tell our daughter until my husband starts cancer and still keep it quit brief in the sense he's very poorly. Although she is already clocking on something isn't right and over heard me talking to my mum about a lump. 

    I really don't want to frighten her at all. Has your son asked a lot of questions? 
    yes I think I will inform the school even with them being off her teacher is quite involved. xx

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    Hi Katie,

    I've been through a similar situation but I was the child being told. I know it's different for everyone and we all process it in different ways but from how I dealt with it looking back I just wish they were more honest with me and open explaining it all. When my mum was first diagnosed I was about 6 and although I didn't really understand what was happening I also knew something was wrong. I remember faintly situations and times where I knew something wasn't right and if I'm honest they will stick with me. I can never remember being told about it just that her hair would fall out and she'd be a little tired but not knowing caused me a lot of anxiety. I worried about what it was and I feel if I knew it was all okay then it may have been different. The second time round things are a little more open but because we are older we see it more and are more understanding. 
    All I can say is tell them about it, as much as you feel is right. It's hard but you have to do what's best for you but reassurance and positivity is key. I always say knowing is better than not, even if you think about it over and over the truth is always better than the situations you create. 
    tell the school, make sure they are aware. They have their own ways to support children and can often be more open with them. Children will open up to them if they feel they haven't got the strsssed and pressure and they will ask them things that are worrying them because they might not want to worry you any more. Children really can handle a lot they just need the right support. 
     

    Hope your all safe and well, take care x

  • Offline in reply to Katie87

    Dear Katie

    our son has asked questions and has been saying he misses when daddy was well, which breaks my heart. The problem is children have so many worries due to their lives being turned upside down due to covid it's so much for them to deal with. I did have a chat with him the other day because he said he was worried daddy would get coronavirus. I reassured him that we are all doing what we can to keep him safe, but daddy is very poorly and the medicine and surgery hasn't worked as well has we hoped on his tummy. We have told him daddy is going to try a different medicine and his hair will fall out (it didn't with previous medicine) He did ask the question I've been dreading, is daddy was going to die, and I said we don't know what will happen but reassured him as much as I could that he is loved and all the wonderful people and things he has on his life. I didn't know what else to say and I certainly didn't want to say no.....he did accept that. We just have not said the word cancer. I spoke to my husband's Macmillan nurse and she said we'd judged it well with our son.  Maybe in the weeks to come I will have to say more, but im focusing on keeping things as happy as I can. Which is very exhausting I must admit. My son has had 18 months of daddy being home and poorly and with covid & lockdowns, I don't want it all to be negative.

     My family are amazing and we are very close, but it's so unbelievably isolating. You feel very alone. X
     

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