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Doing the right things? Mum has terminal lung cancer

Ann66
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Hello I'm Ann, in October my mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and given 3-6 months. my mum lives in Wales,I live in England when the lock down was lifted in October I moved in to my mum's to care for her, because of covid my sister moved in too, my mum is 80 and always had fear of hospitals so we decided to care for my mum at home for the rest of her life. This week my mum has become very weak, sleeps most of the day, morphine keeps pain away but has started having hallucinations, her hands and feet are very cold and numb, she can't walk without help and only a few steps, and this morning she was coughing up blood, 

When my mum was first diagnosed she said she was frightened of dying but I told her when the time comes I would sleep in her room and be with her. I don't know if to start sleeping in her room I don't want to worry her if it's not the right time, i stay awake late at night checking on her I'm not sure if it's the last stage, I was holding my dads hand when he passed away I want to do the same for my mum. 

These are such difficult times with covid and nurses so busy I don't want to trouble them with my worries. My sister is emotional we're keeping each other going but I don't tell her my worries I'm the strong one or at least trying to be I'm the one who everyone relies on,who has the answers,but in this case I don't, my mum said a bird was flying in the bedroom she was hallucinating so I said it flew out the window, was that the right thing to say or should I have said there's nothing there I don't know what to say for the best 

sorry for essay I'm rambling, 

any advice would be very welcome x

  • Hi Ann66,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. Firstly I'm very sorry to hear about your mum and what you're going through. I can only imagine how hard this must be.

    It sounds to me like you're doing the right things - I think the fact you've come here for advice shows that too, and shows how much you care. Try to trust yourself that you are doing the right things, remembering that there is no set formula for this.

    When you feel like you are usually the strong one, there can be a lot of pressure that comes with this in tough situations. It's really important that you have your own outlets for support too, and ways to perhaps take your mind off things from time to time too. Hopefully you have others around you that you can speak to - or either way we're always here for support on this forum too, and it can be a safe space to write things down.

    With regard to sleeping in her room, I can see that is a bit of a tough call. But perhaps think about whether you'd regret not doing this - i.e. it may be best to go for it, but to explain to your mum you're doing it to best support her.

    Do keep in touch with your nurses as it's important that you get the advice and help that you and your mum need - and it's their job to help out so you wouldn't be bothering them.

    Hopefully you'll receive further replies from others on the forum too. If you'd like to explore additional support then do check out organisations such as Macmillan and Maggie's.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Ben

    Thank you Ben for your reply. 
    my mum nearly fell out of bed I've got her a rail to stop her falling again, but I used this as reason for sleeping in her room, my sister and I was in mums room watching her favourite dvd poldark, with hot chocolate drinks and snacks my mum loved it we laughed so much just being silly we're two 50+ year old daughters and my 80 year old mum it was like years ago when we were little. This morning my mum said last night was the best day she's had in a long time, she loved it. 

    the nurse came yesterday I had a chat with her about we didn't know what to expect,she was surprised we hadn't been told what will happen, I explained we know the nurses are busy and we didn't want to bother them. For months I've been anxious every time before I entered my mums room in the morning not sure what to expect, but she explained everything and I felt the weight lift and sleeping in my mums room hearing her quietly sleeping, knowing if she needed me I was there, I had the best sleep with lovely memories of yesterday evening

     

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