Hello, I am 23 and my mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

I have so much emotions and thoughts connected with this and I need to put it out here so I can get it out of my chest.

She was told treatment won’t make any sense at this point since cancer has spread too far. We try to look for alternatives, but that being said, I feel like losing hope.

We – me, my sister and my dad are taking care of her, but it’s not easy since at the same time we’re the caregiver for my younger autistic sister. Mom’s on the wheelchair now, if she’s not on the bed. When I see her, so thin and weak, I feel an awful pain inside my chest.

I feel absolutely terrible. Some days are okay, I carry as usual, but then the others I cry all day, can’t calm down and I have to take pills for anxiety. And the thought of her dying is always there, I have nightmares about this. She has days when she would cry out of pain and it made me feel like it would be better for her to die quicker so she won’t suffer. I feel awful even thinking that.

I am also so angry. I feel like it’s so unfair. There is so much stuff she wants to do. Just yesterday she said she would love to visit Japan in her life. I wanted to cry because it won’t happen, especially when there is pandemic.

I hate that it happens when I’m 23. I know there is no age which makes it easy to lose a mother, but I feel like it’s not something I should experience at that age. If she dies, she won’t be able to celebrate my achievements with me. I want to cry when I think if one day I get married, she won’t be here. It all makes me very depressed and I already struggle with it. I also didn’t have good relationship with here before and I feel bad about this and feel like all that arguments were a waste of time.