Hello

I could really do with some advice, apologies in advance for the upcoming long post...

My mother in law was diagnosed with ovarian cancer mid-December. It came out of the blue, she came home from work one day as she felt poorly and received her diagnosis two weeks later. She is 72 and was working 28 hours until the day she felt poorly - on her feet at work all day I might add! In the last two months she has deteriorated rapidly, she is unable to walk more than a few steps and is therefore housebound and is receiving a care visit 4 times a day.

My husband has 3 siblings however, two of them live in different parts of the UK and the other lives in France leaving him to take care of everything.

My MIL is being incredibly difficult, and I feel so harsh writing that given what she is going through, but she's rude, aggressive in tone and quite bluntly being pretty ungrateful. My husband works full time (shifts) and we live approx 20 drive from his Mam. He's visiting her 5 times a week either before or after his shift, doing all her shopping, taking her to appts where possible, keeping the family updated, picking up her prescriptions etc etc. There's very rarely any appreciation or gratitude shown for anything he's doing, he's always getting criticised for what he's not done ie forgot to get something off the shopping list. More recently he's getting it in the neck for not going to see her every day. He's now started feeling very guilty about this but I think its important he has this time away otherwise he's going to burn himself out, until the carers started visiting he was going every day and he was exhausted, both physically and mentally.

The biggest stress for him is that she's not eating, we are aware it's common to have little appetite but the doctors, nurses and carers have told her how important it is for her to eat and that she should try to do so every hour even if its just a spoonful of yoghurt or a mouthful of bread. She has already been told she's not strong enough for surgery and is only strong enough for 1 chemo drug. My husband is terrified that if she gets any weaker she wont be strong enough for any treatment at all and that the family will blame him for not doing more or not looking after her properly.

I've tried to explain to him that she is a grown women, she's mentally sound and has been told time and time again how important it is for her to eat and that ultimately it is on her to do it. I know he's doing everything that he can do and that we will do everything we can do to support her and help her but in short of force feeding her there's not much more we can do.

I'm so worried about him and I honestly feel he's close to breaking point. He feels like her getting better is on his shoulders/his responsibility and he's struggling with her constantly tearing chunks off him, it's like he can't do right for doing wrong.

I really hope this post doesn't come across as selfish as I can't even imagine what she's going through and how difficult it must be for her, I completely appreciate that there will be days where she will be tense etc but sometimes her behaviour is beyond upsetting and this is a daily occurance. My husband has become her verbal/emotional punching bag and its breaking my heart watching him beat himself up that he's not doing enough or not doing a good job

I'm trying my best to support him but I feel like I'm failing and that my reassurance isn't making any difference. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks x