carer silently struggling.

someone very close to me has cancer. 

it is not curable but treatment is available.

they are still processing/ in denial.

the death will effect my life in many many ways.

they will not ask any questions as they like the ' just tell me what i need to know about today' kind of approach.

i have no idea if this person has weeks months or years. nothing is in place. cant even say the word treatment without causing an issue. 

am i selfish for wanting more information.. to make plans.

how long do i leave it before it's to late and they are dead.

i am silently struggling. 

i have tried talking and i am shut down every single time.

no one else seems to think how i am thinking and i don't understand how i can be the only one that see how selfish this person is being. 

i understand how heartless that makes me sound but the not knowing is making the entire situation 10 times harder and am scared if i give them time to process before i force them to have the hard chats it will be to late and they will already be dead in which case the situation will be 100 times worse.  

 

 

  • Hi there ...

    So sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment.... I've been on both sides of cancer and I think it's a tad harder watching someone l love go through this ... 

    From my diagnosis in 2017 I've taken back as much control over my journey as possible .. mine was a grade 3 breast cancer...  my surgeon was amazing ... I told him this was my cancer and I'd decide which way to go after hearing pros and cons .. I did have a total right masectomy... I didn't have radio therapy as I have lots of health issues ... etc ... 

    So what you want is to know what and when ... in reality there's lots of times people go on way after what was given .. some go much sooner .. even the oncologist can only give estimates... now I'm like who you've wrote about ... I'm not an ostrich hiding my head in the sand .. I'm not a pessimist... I think I'm a realist ... I do not want to be given a time or estimate ... I want to take each day as a bonus ... l will not have chemo ... I wake up every day .. and if I open my eyes I just think "still here" and every day find something to smile about ... so in living every day, I'm not wasting time waiting for a dead line ... then I'd feel depressed and "normal" would be gone ... just to live day to day .. is the way l look at it too ..

    No one knows if they have tomorrow... we could loose anyone ... healthy or with cancer .. the meaning of the word living in the present ... well I think it's a present for everyone who has today .. if you can stop trying to force info out of her / him ... relax .. breath ... make memories every day with them you can .. then you won't miss this precious time ... now ...

    And I know this sounds harsh but it's how I feel about me and everyone I know going through cancer .. our cancer belongs to us .. no one else .. what we choose to do or say .. is for us to decide ... and in giving them space and trying to hold their hand on their journey .. later that person may open up and say more ..  or not .. but my heart goes out to you ... your not alone ... Chrissie x