Hi all,

my mom was diagnosed with primary breast cancer in march of this year, and my grandma diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in april 2019. My mom had a left mastectomy in june and started chemotherapy in august, but this chemo didnt work as she had a recurrence along her mastectomy scar line. She was told that it may have been microscopic cells that had surived the mastectomy even though it was 'all' taken out. Since then she has been told she has 5 small nodules on both of her lungs so we are now dealing with secondary breast cancer. On the day this was diagnosed, my grandma was told also she had only weeks to live as her cancer had spread to her liver. She fought 18 months with only 3 rounds of chemo which were given in december 2019 which made her extremely unwell and caused massive infections which hospitalized her for a month. She decided against any more chemo because of this. 

My mom has been really unwell on her new chemo, from constant nosebleeds to absolutely 0 apeptie and loss of taste buds. shes lost a lot of weight and is struggling a lot. I have been caring for my mom through all of this, and had been caring for my grandma too , but on November 3rd 2020 my nan peacefully passed away in a hospice. I watched her deteoriate so rapidly which upset me deeply but i accepted that she was going to die. She was 76.

Since then i had only cried once, the day she passed, but we had her funeral 3 weeks later and ive found that now it is all hitting me at once and i cant cope. I havent stopped crying. Seeing my mother so ill and seeing how quickly my grandma deterioated , i automatically link the two and think the same thing is going to happen to my mom. She is only 55 and has so much to live for. I am really close with my mom and i was close with my grandma too. My grandma was my absolute best friend and my mom is too, and i cant bear the thought of loosing my mom too after loosing my grandma to cancer. I am only 25, an only child and i do not really speak to any of my family members either, we arent all close like that because of past fall outs. I feel so alone as i have no one to go through this with, and i feel like anyone i tell doesnt really understand it because they've never been through what im going through. 

I have major depressive disorder and anxiety, and im on anti depressants. I cry everyday for my mom, and i am so incredibly sad inside all the time. I cant function properly, i have bad insomnia and when i do fall asleep its only for a matter of hours, then i wake up automatically crying in the middle of the night. I have constant dreadful thoughts and sometimes i am worried for myself as i dont know how to handle things the right way.  My mom is more optimistic than i am about her outlook and future, and im glad she is so strong and fighting her best through it, but i constantly think she is going to die so much sooner than she thinks. It feel its so unfair, i havent given her any grandchildren, i havent done or experienced all the amazing things life has to offer with my mom yet and its cruelly being snatched away by cancer. 

I would be so grateful if anyone could read my story and offer any advice or words of comfort or even their own experiences (good and bad), just to know i am not alone.

Thank you everyone

Tee x