Its not fair, spent my whole life fearing that this would affect my family and have lost so many beautiful family members to an illness that steals their very existence from my life, turns them into a faded broken shell of whom they were. Then in June 2019 my dad was told he has cancer and it’s stage 4. I can’t feel anything, am very numb and very angry that the C word has returned to steal my own dad from me, we have never been close yet I would never wish such a volatile disease upon him. We have been estranged and yet when I see him he does not want me to leave. A man who once told me he has washed his hand of me and my responsibility is now fading before my eyes. The pain so visibly etched upon his whole body. I don’t know if I am just upset for feeling for a man who abandoned me and now wants my company because he is lonely. Or my own feelings of guilt of not wanting to see him because I am still that broke child inside who was abandoned and left to fend for himself. How can I try to bridge a gap when he burnt that bridge himself? Cross a river of burn ash and shards of broken memories to cross to a person who did not care that I needed him! I am very lost