Hi all,

My beautiful, caring, kind mother has come home to die. She was diagnosed in May with stage 4 oesaphagus and stomach cancer. She was scheduled to have an endoscopy in March but with this covid it was cancelled. She lost so much weight and unable to eat, so her GP arranged an emergency camera done. My mother is very deep, hate being a burden, she would never cry in front of people, but the howl I heard on that day will haunt me forever. She had a round of chemo, but there was no difference. The DR asked of she want to give it another try, she agreed. My mother is 67, never smoked, drink and fit for her age, but after the first session of the second round, she got extremely I'll. She was admitted to hospital 10 days ago, and came home yesterday.

I am currently in hospital, too. I was so eager to see her, but rules are rules, so I couldn't see her. I'm still in hospital, I begged the DR's to discharge me, but they strongly advised against it. They have allowed me to go out for 2 hours today so I can go and see her. I've just returned to hospital and my heart is broken. When I was looking into her eyes, I wanted to fall apart. I knew this was coming, my heart is not ready to believe what my head already knows.

Last Thursday, whilst in hospital, I was being wheeled back to the ward following a CT scan, and as I was going through the corridor, my mother was being wheeled to her CT scan. I held her hand for a few seconds, I will never forget that meeting. The sad thing is she was the next parient after me on the CT machine, and it then she was told, no more can be done.

I'm scared, I can't imagine life with out her, she's been my life forever. I have been dreading this time for as long I can remember. The grieving started when she found out. I'm going in sane, I want to be with her all the time. We don't want to know how long she has left, but I'm scared it might happen whilst I'm in hospital. I'm hoping that I can go home on Friday, and that day cant come quick enough.

I dont think I will survive this. My mental health is fragile without all of this happening.

I HATE you cancer.