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Struggling to cope - ex husband end of life care

Hopingitsnothing
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My ex husband is in end stages of life. He has been told he has weeks to months, and there is no more treatment as it was not working. He had bladder cancer initially and this was removed but was unsuccesful.

We have two grown up children and my son 22 is currently staying with him.

Yesterday we all visited because he wanted to go into a hospice and couldnt get out of bed, so the Macmillan nurse

is arranging hospice care and we spent the day arranging for carers to visit twice a day and getting equipment for him 

- New hospital type electric bed, seat over toilet etc. Yesterday he told me he had had enough - and wants to be put down.

As we were there all day I could see him deteriorating throughout the day and could see he wouldn need hospice care soon. 

He wanted to remain in his bedroom as he has a walk in shower there so we agreed and gathered all his things he would need etc.

I left around ten and my daughter stayed till gone 1 as we had told my son to have an evening off.

He was constantly getting up and down for 'a cigarette', 'the toilet' (he has a stoma bag so does not use the toilet for a wee)

any excuse in general and does not like to be told he shouldnt be. He is very unsteady on his legs and has to be helped to stand / sit etc

This morning, my son woke up to find him downstairs and he wanted to go to the shop on his scooter. He has accused my daughter of bullying him this morning as she has told him he shouldnt be going up and down stairs by himself.

Basically I am at the end of my tether and really do not know what to do anymore.

my daughter and I have quite demanding jobs and my son has given up work to move in with him.

I really dont know where to turn or what to do for the best. If I try and reason with him he just cries, I hate to say but he is behaving like a child and doesnt seem to care that it is his children he is taking it out on.

I feel bad even writing these things down as now I feel selfish as I know what he is going through is absolutely awful but I dont want his children to remember him as this awful man.

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    Hi big hugs.  Sorry this is happening its an awful situation.  People often say things they don't mean when on medication such as cancer treatment or steriods, it can make people sound nasty when they don't mean it. Its hard but  Don't take any of it personally, keep reminding yoursrlf that he doesn't mean it,  lots of love

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    Hi,

    I feel your pain and upset and have sympathy for the father of your children. My partner is not the easiest person right now. However, this is no critisium (never could spell that).  I wanted to pass on my experience which may help. I am not in the medical profession but do have a lot of contact with people who will not be getting better. One thing I have found out from people who are ill and having to rely on others for care and assistance, especially men who are designed to be our heros, is they feel that they are not permitted to make their own decisions. Nurses telling them what medication to have, what time they must attend appointments, family doing their shopping and household stuff etc. I have found this with my partner (argues about what we are going to have for dinner 'because it is something he can decide). The bad temper is not aimed at you, it is frustration at the lack of control and helplessness after a life of work, providing for a family and having an opinion. My partner cheers up no end if we have a good old row about the state of the country, the youth of today lol. I have drafted plans for a house accessibility conversion for a gentleman that was never going to happen, redrawing them everytime he changed his mind but his wife told me how he stopped feeling helpless whilst he was deciding on the alterations.  What I'm really trying to say is, give him back some control and for instance, if he wants to go out on his scooter, let him. You can alway go with him.  Sometimes protecting our loved ones from everything is not always the right thing and a good old disagreement shows you dtill respect their opinions. Its funny my intention was to help you but now i have written this, I think i may have helped myself to not get so upset when he is grumpy. 

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