Hello lauren2899.

I'm sorry to hear about the reason that brings you here.

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate at the moment, it can't be easy for a 17-year-old to manage school and take care of their dad with terminal cancer, not to mention to do all that during this pandemic.

Hopefully other members who have similar experiences will come along shortly to share their stories with you and give advice, not only on what you can do to best help your dad but also, and as importantly, to take care of yourself.

Also, if you ever feel like chatting with our friendly team of nurses do keep in mind that they are available on this phone number 0808 800 4040, Monday - Friday between 9 a.m. - 5 p.m.

Wishing you and your dad the very best,

Renata

Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi your story sounds identical to mine , my dad was diagnosed with ampullary vale cancer in June 2019. It completely changed our world. 

My mum had a nervous breakdown in April 2017 and has never been the same . I also have an elderly grandad who needs care . Our family has known so much suffering since 2017 that I didn’t think anything else was possible but then cancer 

Our local hospital said the cancer hadn’t spread and they would remove the tumour with a robotic whipples procedure , however the procedure was unsuccessful as they found although he is not a drinker he has early stages of liver cirrhosis, the operation became too complicated and was abandoned . We were devastated , we were told at this point with chemo he had between 12-18 months ,we sought a second opinion and were so happy when a top surgeon in London said he would do an open surgery whipples . It cost thousands privately but The Whipple open surgery took place on 1/08/2019 . It was successful I felt a relief like I can’t explain . There was no cancer on the lymph nodes either . It was the best day ever .My dad decided to do mop up chemo just for security he was on medium strength chemo and handled it very well . It started in September 2019 and ended March 2020 and everything was clear there was no cancer we were saying how lucky it was his treatment ended just before lockdown . 

I guess as the op and chemo was so successful I was ignorant and just thought this is it he’s beaten it 

Everything was fine he was so well but June 9th 2020 he stared having pains he thought he had done too much work in the garden and that was the reason why but the next few days the pain got worse . He was admitted to hospital and exactly a year later from his first diagnosis in June 2019 . In June 2020 we were told his cancer was back but unlike last time it was incurable it was everywhere in his liver pancreas and he has  fluid 

I was shocked it doesn’t come back for other ppl why my dad even the surgeon In London said there was nothing he could do and my dad only has months 

He too decided to do pallative chemo In my denial I thought he’s strong he’ll get through the chemo and spent my time reading success stories where ppl had responded very well to pallative chemo , however after his first session he looked dreadful he couldn’t speak didn’t get out of bed , they refused to do the second chemo as he was too ill . He too got so anxious going to theses appointments when all they say is there’s nothing further we can do . He was physically sick after appointments due to the anxiety . He will have no further chemo as he is not well and the cancer is too aggressive . I can’t spend any quality time with him as he’s so weak and struggles to speak . After last year I can’t believe our luck changed so quick 

He’s getting weaker and he lost who he was in June 2020 . I see fear pain in his eyes but this time I just can’t take it away . 

I didn’t want to give up and looked to see if he could do immunotherapy as I’ve read success stories about it but luck again was not on a side as his msi levels show immunotherapy would not work for him 

Sometimes in my head I still don’t want to believe this is happening and I’ll wake up one day see it was a nightmare and he’s downstairs pottering about 

But the calls from the hospital about dnr forms have I thought about hospice care , how an I supposed to ask my dad theses questions only two months ago we were making plans. Unless you go through it no one will understand the pain , you can’t look to the future all you have our past memories of how things used to be and what will will happen day to day .

I can’t eat sleep do anything he’s my best friend and the thought of seeing his empty bed seat etc causes me such physical pain . Everyone says you need to stay strong but I’m a mess . Sometimes I’m angry bitter he was meant to be ok after the op , he was going to see his children get married . Then I feel numb 

I’m scared from day to day what will happen .

Living day to day without the relief he’ll be ok is destroying me inside . 

Blessed are those who survive this disease but the ones who don’t it not only takes them but rips the family apart . I say why can’t I have a family like others where I don’t have to worry about how long my parents have . Do they know how lucky they are to have that peace . This awful awful disease takes years and years away from people . My dads my best friend my world , life will never be the same again. I just think I need to get used to living with immense pain as I can’t see myself ever smiling again . 

I’m 37 and my dad is 63 , for me 63 is still so so young . I can’t cope, I still live with him. But you are only 17 still so so

Young you prob know what it feels like when you see your friends families and wish you had that peace 

All I can do is share your pain . Please talk to me whenever you want as I feel no friends or family understand .

They say Be strong , trust  in god , don’t mourn him whilst he’s still here . Just take one day at a time .. i wish they never know how it feels like not to breathe because your in so much pain

hi thank you for sharing your story and i'm so sorry to hear about your dad and i send all my love your way x unfortunately my dad passed away yesterday so it's been really tough as he didn't get to die in the way in which we thought it would go 

Hi Lauren 

My heart breaks for you, this awful disease destroys everything. It not only takes away the person but rips apart the  family aswell.

i'm sure the pain is unbearable, people will say be strong , your dad wouldn't want to see you like this but the truth is you will need to grieve how you need to grieve. He still lives in you he is a part of you. 
A lot of the time I feel anger , why us ? I don't wish it on anyone else but why us . There are so many stories of people having the Whipple procedure being given the all clear and the disease not coming back so why not our dads ?

nothing will make sense there will be pain anger numbness , they'll be people who don't understand. You are so young and just wanted to be living our life where you don't have to worry about if your dads going to be there .

he is no longer in pain and he now lives in your heart, as hard as it it remember him before the disease because that's who he was there the memories you need to think off . 
Nothing will take the pain away so as hard as it is we need to find a way to deal with the pain, and think of a dads with a smile and remember them for who they were .I really recommend counselling I know it don't change things but anything that can help you cope a bit better just grab it . I don't know why this happened to us . But right now you need make sure you eat, if you can't face a walk sit in the garden . If you need to sleep just sleep . If it helps write things down .

i wish there was something I could do to take your pain away . I hope you never have to face any more hard times going forward and really hope going forward life will now just bless you with happiness . 
sending you and your family a lot of love . 
please talk to me whenever you want x