Hi Ot1992, 

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad and what you must all be going through right now. 

I lost my dad to cancer three years ago, when I was 27. He'd actually been given the all clear then suddenly they found something again and he was immediately diagnosed as terminal, then died a few months later. I still remember getting the news he was terminal, and feeling all the emotions you have described. Every situation and every person is different, but as someone who's been through something similar and come out the other side I wanted to share my experience in case it helps at all. Most of all I want to give you hope that you CAN get through this.

So, my experience was that it was incredibly difficult, particularly seeing Dad's quality of life decline. I experienced anticipatory grief (google it!). I sought all the help I could (e.g. accessing counselling - I only had 1 session but it helped) prioritised eating heathily, enough sleep etc. I also spent lots of quality time with my Dad and we tried to have the best few months possible, making memories. 

My dad's last few days were in a hospice, where he passed away. It was a very difficult few days, and you really have to dig deep for your own inner strength and be kind to yourself. When Dad did pass away, it was very peaceful and the biggest emotion for me was actually a huge sense of relief that he was no longer suffering. Again, everyone is different, but it's something that surprised me because I expected it to feel like my world had fallen apart, but actually the original terminal diagnosis had already done that, and I actually felt quite calm thinking he was now at peace. 

That said, it was an emotional rollercoaster - I'd be fine for a bit then burst into tears and the emotions would all come flooding back. Over time, this happened less and less. Gradually, you start to feel more about to continue with life - but that absolutely does not mean forgetting about your dad and what happened. Instead, you grow stronger, and more able to live life and feel positive emotions again whilst simultaneously having a constant awareness of what's happened.

I also have two younger sisters - the youngest was 21 when our Dad died and was distraught. A year or two later, she actually said 'in a strange way, it gave us all a boost' - I know that sounds odd, but what she meant was that we all have such greater perspective on things and greater resilience to cope with whatever life throws at us. 

I want to re-iterate that everyone is different, and I know you're still at the very early stages of processing everything. I just want to give you some hope that whilst it's undoubtedly going to be a very difficult time, it is possible to get through it and actually be a lot stronger because of it. 

Take care x