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living with constant guilt

Emily112
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Hi everyone 

 

I am just wondering if there is anyone else here who is currently experiencing constant guilt whenever they leave their loved one they are caring for to do something for themselves?

 

We discovered that my mums breast cancer had metasised to her blood and bones just as lockdown began which was absolutely devastating. We do not know how long she has but was given 1-5 years upon her diagnosis. I was so fortunate to have been furloughed for this amount of time to be there for my mum as I work in a school. 

 

Now lockdown is easing off slowly - I am starting to socialise more with my boyfriend/friends. My mum is still very much mobile and is enjoying cooking her own food/cleaning the house etc etc and even going out and socialising with her own friends occasionally! I just feel extremely guilty making any plans and even stopping over at my boyfriends house for one night I get a weird vibe that she feels almost abandoned by me? Or that she isn't happy for me to do my own thing from time to time. I am an extremely anxious person anyway (more so recently) so that does not help in the slightest. 

 

I also feel that there are just so many appointments! She has so many scans and tests as well as weekly chemotherapy. I am so worried for what will happen in September when I go back to school to do my teacher training! Is it normal to drive yourself to chemotherapy appointments? It just all feels a bit cruel but there is no way I could take time off once a week. 

 

Does anyone else experience this guilt? Am I wrong for wanting to socialise or go back to do my teacher training? I really don't want to come across as selfish or nasty because I am so happy to be there for my mum and want to help her as much as I can. I suppose I just feel a bit trapped at the moment. 

 

Any advice would be more than appreciated - thank you so much x

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    Hi Emily

    Im currently working from home 40 Hours a week whilst my Mum goes through various cancer tests. I was struggling with lockdown before this happened and she's very likely to have a lobe of her lung removed in the next 3 weeks and be diagnosed with Stage 1/2 or 3 cancer.

     

    Theres nothing wrong with going out with your friends as long as your mum knows that your there for her when you need her. It will help you mentally to do this.

    I can't comment on Chemo appointments but I'd assume you can use taxis in the worst case if she can't drive.

    Work should be informed what your going through and be flexible if you need time off although I appreciate its more difficult being a teacher .

    im studying part time to become a counsellor (one evening a week) and May suspend my studies for 1 Year at least as I don't know what state my mum will be in after surgery or how much I'll be needed at home in the nest future - but there's no right or wrong decisions in these cases - Do what's best 

     

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    As Xink said, 'Theres nothing wrong with going out with your friends as long as your mum knows that your there for her when you need her'.

     

    Guilt by definition inferes you've done something wrong. Guilt is a regular part of my life at the moment, IMO there is no way to overcome it.

     

    I will always feel guilty but it is up to me (and you) to know in ourselves that we did what was needed and suppported our loved ones to the best of our ability.

     

    Hope that helps, I wish the best for you and your family.

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    Hi Emily, 

     

    Yes I completely understand where you are coming from!  I’m currently caring for my Nan who has terminal lung cancer. Because of covid I am living with her to be there for her, go to appointments etc. I have a one year old also; to safeguard against the virus I’m living apart from my partner and feel guilty at every turn. I feel like I don’t know when life will be normal again and I won’t be made to feel guilty for getting on with my own life. I feel trapped too. It’s really hard, I try and tell myself it won’t be forever and almost look forward to being free but then feel like a horrible person for having that thought cross my mind. Caring for someone honestly is really hard  

     

    I think it’s completely understandable to feel like you want to live your own normal life and you shouldn’t feel guilty for it. Just know you are not alone xx 

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