Hello bethsw, 

I am sorry to hear about your mum's lung cancer diagnosis and that it is sadly now stage 4. I hope you won't mind but I have slightly edited your title so that others can spot immediately what the subject of your thread is about. Hopefully you will hear from some of our members who have been in a similar situation and looked after a loved one with cancer. I am sure they will have some good tips for you to help you cope in the coming days and weeks. 

It is normal to feel lost and powerless when seeing a loved one sadly getting worse. We have some helpful information on our website here for family, friends and caregivers to help you support your mum but also look after yourself during this difficult time. 

Best wishes to you and your mum, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi bethsw,

I'm so sorry to read about your mum, I understand a little of how you are feeling. It's horrible to watch someone you love so dearly deteriorating; I felt very helpless and in shock when my beautful mum was nearing her end of life. We had the local district nurses coming in to make sure mum wasn't in any pain. Is your mum at home with you and your family? I know sometimes not always possible.

I know it's hard to see your mum's breathing getting worse but apparently that doesn't necessarily mean your mum is in distresss, the Doctor or nurses should be able to guide you with anything they can do to make your mum comfortable. Keep asking them questions if you're unsure. 

I held my mum's hand, just talking, although later she fell into unconsciousness, I read later that apparently the hearing is the last sense to go, I wish I had known that; don't leave anything unsaid.

Its difficult to give advice on how to cope as I don't think I did cope very well. You just have to let your emotions come out, don't bottle it up, speak to your partner, I still speak to my husband about my mum's last days and its nearly 2 years since mum passed. Although you won't feel like it, you also have to take care of yourself, hope it's ok to say that, I'm sure your mum would want that.

I'm retired now but was working at the time, I told my company that I wouldn't be in, people understand that your time with your mum is precious, work isn't important.

It is hard bethsw, I'm so very sorry, life is very cruel sometimes but somehow we find the strength to keep going, the love and support from family helps.

I'm not great at putting these things into words, I am sure other lovely people on this forum will post support'. I'm thinking of you and your mum at this difficult time.

Take care,

Linda x

Thanks for saying that. No she isn't  home with me. She lives with her partner and it has been difficult to see her with everything going on a she has been shielding. I try and see her as much as i can and try not to go too close as I still have to go shopping and things I am terrified that I will make her ill. We face time all the time but it is not the same. 

The doctors are suggesting that she now uses a wheelchair as he mobility is limited as she gets very out of breath but at the moment she does not want anything to change. I do undertake from her point of view as she is only 56 and she doesn't want ny 2 young children to see her like that but I also think it would really benefit her. 

I do have an amazing family but seeing her going through this is heartbreaking and I have had a ot of other issues with anxiety since my dad unexpectedly passes almost 2 years ago when I was 26 It just seems to be all of a sudden going downhill quickly and its ard to knw how to deal with that. Thankyou so much for replying to me xx

Oh bethsw, I would only have a little of the courage you have. I am only a year older than your mum and have neices in your age group,my heart goes out to you. Everything is more difficult with Covid and I know we are careful around my elderly dad, you do worry about what is the best thing to do.

It isn't an easy decision with young children, one of my neices did take her 8 year old to see my mum when she came out of hospital but not in the last few days. They both adored each other, whatever you decide, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, maybe if not too upsetting for your mum, talk about it again.

It must be heartbreaking not to be able to see your mum as much as you normally would, I know facetime is not the same. There seems to be some relaxing of the rules around seeing family but I'm not an expert, but I understand of course, you want to be careful. My mum also had a wheelchair to help, it was tricky though as she was very independant and very feisty!

I'm glad you have your family around, I remember one of my neices saying that for each of us, it's different, the mum and daughter bond, well I think, its unbreakable. I can imagine your mum is so very proud of you, how brave you are, that must surely give her great comfort.

I was saddened to read that you lost your dad and unexpectedly, I can't think how hard that must have been. I spoke to my GP when I couldn't sleep, the anxiety makes everyday life much harder to deal with. I was prescribed sleeping tablets, valium essentially but I ended up taking natural lavender tablets which helped a little and strangely just going for a walk in the fresh air seemed to help.

Somebody wrote- " the pain you feel today will give you the strength to face tomorrow".

Linda

x

Thankyou. It s hard trying to be strong for my children and my mam. I have had counselling for my anxiety but sometime its not able to be controlled. I do a lot of walking to try and calm myself and breathing exercises. Hopefully I can start to see her a little more now. I just feel very protective of her and want her to  as safe as she can be. Thankyou for your support  sometimes its easier to speak to someone on the outside. Thankyou x