Hi there.

My father (66)  was told 5 years ago that his cancer cannot be cured, and he is currently having chemotherapy for lung cancer. We are probably at a point now where, while the tumour is currently 'stable', things may start to go downhill soon and how much time he has left is uncertain. 

I have had a conflicted relationship with my dad over the last years and I feel this is mainly down to the way he has dealt with his diagnosis and recent life events. He is certainly a loving and caring father, and he supports my mother, sister and me in any way he can, yet as a person he can be unbearable. 

For example, we got some scan results recently and I was having a day where my mind when round and round with negative thoughts about the future. I randomly burst into tears and he actually got angry at me! He said I should have control of my emotions and that he has it worse. I have generally felt unable to open up to him about my thought and feelings because of reactions like this. He will later come and apologise and say something empathetic (which would have been a kind and helpful initial reaction) but it is this short temper of his that has made me quite reluctant to bring up issues or risk coming into conflict with him.

I speak to my mum about this and she completely understands as he can be like this with us all, and I really don't think he would listen if we tried to speak to him about this (he never has before). It's like he has accepted the cancer and is surprised that I may feel differently because 'i'm not going thought it'. But it's also like he's channeling his feelings into this anger/ tempter and it's impacting those around him most.

All this has made me feel quite conflicted about the whole situation. I feel guilty at my relief that it wasn't mum who was diagnosed, I feel unable to connect with him as I do with her, and I feel anxious about the future and how he may be feeling. 
 

This is quite hard to express because when I have spoken to people about him before they suggest that he is in some way abusive but I don't think he is, yet he can be selfish and angry, and perhaps lacks sympathy that most people would have in this situation. However, most of the time he is caring and loving and probably just worried about what will happen next. 
 

The advice I really want is how to not become consumed with thinking about what may happen and how do I talk to someone about cancer when they can be so unapproachable?

-- Just to add: I am only 19 years old, my sister is younger and most of my childhood has been spent with my dad getting treatment for cancer. I'm going to uni in september and i'm worried about being away while all this is going on.