I would be really grateful if people read this post - it’s long but bear with me!
Last year my Mum got cancer. I had had 4 years of tremendous stress in my personal life but I threw myself into supporting for her even though I lived miles away, suffer mental health problems and she has two children living close by. My Mum needed a lot of emotional support due to the relationship she has with my stepdad and it’s a long story but ultimately I couldn’t cope due to what I felt was her unkind behaviour towards him and me feeling like I was being involved. It triggered childhood wounds I found distressing and I tried several times to discuss it with her for everyone’s sake but was accused of being selfish, unkind etc. I also discovered some quite shocking things that made me feel I didn’t know my mum. I ended up feeling suicidal because I was torn with guilt about the way I was feeling. I took a break from the family but ultimately felt punished by them (I realise I could have handled things better but I was distraught) and everything I expressed how I was feeling was invalidated.
I ended up in crisis and restablished contact with them feeling as though everything was my fault and down to my “issues”. My Mum told me her counsellor had suggested I had BPD. It took me until spring this year to start feeling somewhat normal with the aid of lots of medication.
A few months ago I lost my father in law unexpectedly to Corona and decided life was too short so I got back in touch with my best friend I hadn’t seen for over a year due to the relationship having been one sided for 20 years because she is an addict. There was no fall out - she knew she had consistently let me down (I used to travel 100 miles to see her and she wouldn’t even answer the phone, I paid for everything etc) and it became too hurtful to always be the one giving and trying.
She was delighted to hear from me but could only talk to me for a few minutes before hanging up. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and rang the next day only for her to say she had a lump. It turned out she has advanced cancer in at least 5 places.
For the last 10 weeks I have done everything I can to support her - buying things she needs, sorting things with her GP, sending treats, ringing her daily etc. I now see I have tried too hard and some stuff she hasn’t asked me to do - I just thought that’s the kind of thing you do for your best friend. I have received pretty much nothing in return but when I do speak to her she says all the right things, promises to ring, talks about the nostalgia of the past etc (have known her since age 11) but I am left waiting and worrying for days and if she rings at all - it’s past midnight. I am left feeling so hurt that I don’t receive any consideration in return.
I have also been in the middle of her and her Mum. She enables my friend re drugs but worries herself sick about her and tries to control her. I have been a conduit (with both their knowledge), breaking stuff to each of them they cannot face discussing themselves. A very upsetting situation blew up last weekend when my friends mother and sisters (who were concerned with the state of her house) lied to her about not getting rid of some of her possessions. They had previously said it would be bagged for her to go through. My friend was devastated and I tried to get it back for her and her Mum became abusive and said I had over stepped the line and that she never wanted to speak to me again which left me shattered. My mum has been leaving food parcels for my friend and my stepdad is her mums window cleaner which makes her mother’s response worse. That was 9 days ago and my friend promised to ring but didn’t. I feel I am going into crisis with the stress of it all. I sent her a message saying I was struggling and needed a few weeks to myself but was there if she needed me. No reply.
Yesterday she sent 3 messages that I didn’t realise were intended for her dealer. I replied and said I wanted to speak to her but couldn’t pretend I was ok with the way her mum had spoken to me. She sent a text back and said that she was gutted the people who loved her the most were falling out but I even tried to ring her Mum to talk the situation through only to be shouted at and hung up on!
My gut tells me i need to walk away but I am feeling torn and guilty as I did last year regarding my Mum. I endlessly question whether it’s me at fault. I realise I am probably codependent, get over involved etc but I have always had good intentions. It’s so hurtful to feel written off but risk feeling like the bad guy if you say no more. I don’t want to add to my friends stress but I feel I shouldn’t have to swallow my feelings either.
Writing it all makes me feel better but I would appreciate some feedback. Thank you x
