Hi Lydia

Unfortunately I can totally relate! We've just found out that our mum has stage 4 cancer. 

There's so much for me, my sister & my mum to take in still, & part of me is trying not to engage too much right now, because I feel overwhelmed as it is. Today I've also been feeling so sad that this has happened to us - we've lost other family members (not to cancer) so our mum's diagnosis is quite devastating. I live with my mum too & we've been talking about the treatment but i don't think we're prepared for the side effects.

I'm going to be the one looking after her when she has treatment & I think thats going to be quite hard to witness.

I'm sorry to hear about your sibling. It sounds like you have a great relationship which is amazing! And it sounds like you are supporting her, so she is not alone in this. I think as a family member it is quite tough to go through this - you will also need some good support yourself. A support group for family members may be really useful, I'm going to look into one for myself.

In terms of feeling lost, make sure you look after yourself and treat yourself well, because if you dont take time out to look after your wellbeing, it will be so much harder to deal with. The fact that you are there with her must be comforting for your sister. Although she will go through treatment, it sounds like you will be alongside supporting her. 

I haven't really told my friends or colleagues yet, probably because i feel that if i do it will become more real. This evening I was hoping to speak to my sister or my boyfriend about it, but they weren't really around.

Hi Lydia,

I lost my brother to cancer 4 year ago so I totally understand that you are going through. 

Just being there is the best thing that you can do. No one knows the future so hold on to the present, the here and now. Be there for them.

I didn't quite understand it until I was diagnosed myself and then you appreciate the support and love that others bring to you. 

Have you talked about the future "with and without them" I know it's not an easy subject to talk about but when you have cancer it becomes a reality.

My best advice is be yourself and be there for them.

Hello Lydia

Although I should know better, I am afraid I am word blind to what the various stages of cancer mean. My partner was diagnosed with cancer in November, had a mastectomy in Jan and has just finished 6 months of chemo. During that time we have largely dealt with it by concentrating on today, keeping hold of the fact that she is still the same person she was before, and odd doses of black humour.

It is impossible to completely eradicate the dark thoughts, and sometimes you have to let them in and have a little cry, but concentrate on today and what you are able to do together now. Remember she is still the same person she was before her diagnosis. Hug her, talk to her, do the things you used to do when she can, help her when she needs it, let her do things for herself when she is able. And please dont forget to continue to laugh with each other. Also make sure you look after yourself

Who knows what the future will bring for any of us, so concentrate on today!

Cheers

Vik

Hey Jban,

I'm so sorry for your loss and also for your diagnosis. How have you been and how is tour treatment going?

Thank you for your kind words, I think living in the moment is often what brings me back to slightly more functional. If I need to let out any emotion I do it in private or with my partner. I know my sister is carrying an immense amount of guilt as she says shes putting the family through this. I make our relationship and time as normal as possible.

I often try to take myself out of the equation too, thinking I don't have the right to be upset, i'm not the one going through what she is. It's just this pain, like that physical weight I feel in my stomach and overwhelming sadness.

We haven't spoken about the future, I still feel like a year on we are still trying to deal with the diagnosis. But if I've brought it up to my other sibling and mum I get met with a "don't even go there" response. I all feels a bit like denial at the moment and I'm scared this will continue.

Hi Vik,

Great news that your partner has finished treatment, how are they doing post-treatment? Coming to terms with what has happened post-treatment is often a difficult time too. How are you doing through all of this? It must have been scary for you to go through too!

Stage 4 for us means cancer has spread to various organs/parts of the body and is now incurable. We've changed treatments twice in the past year and continue to hope and pray that this chemotherapy will work. It's come with a huge amount of complications in comparison to the previous diagnosis, including COVID which she recovered from well. 

I found your advice really comforting so I appreciate your reply!