Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear this and I really do feel your pain. My dad has just been diagnosed with secondary liver cancer and they are still unsure whether it is primary in the pancreas or colon.they have told us surgery won't work so will be starting palliative chemo soon. 

My heart is broken for him, myself and my family, especially my mum. It has happened very quick after him getting tests through out lockdown. I feel the shock and sadness hits me in waves as we are all trying to come to terms with it.

I just want you to know that you are not alone, and please remember you will find the strength to get through this. Everyone has their different ways of dealing with grief. For me it's talking through it logically as well as emotionally. Councilling is such an important step and im so glad to hear you have taken this step. Even posting on here will help you get through this, as reading how many people are experiencing this horrible disease during this time has made me feel part of something greater.

The phonecalls will mean more than you know for your mum too, this covid situation just makes everything so much harder. My dad has not started any chemo yet, so I am extremely anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of whats to come.

I am also 28, and even thought we are strangers, i will be thinking if you too while going through this.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear this devistating news.  My mum has recently been diagnosed, so I understand totally what you are going through, it's a dreadful feeling and can be very scary aswell.

The hospital do provide a facetime service so do ask about that, theres an app you can download.

How are you today?  Xx

Karen 

Thanks folks, appreciate the kind words. Heartbreakingly things are rapidly progressing. My mum moved into a hospice today and the doctors say she only has a few weeks left. I am devastated. I wish I could take her in but I know she needs the hospice care. I feel awful only being able to see her a couple hours a day. I just wish I could be there, do more for her. I'll have the odd moment of having a laugh and a joke with my girlfriend then bang, it's like a punch in the gut reminding me what's happening and I feel so guilty thinking of my mum all alone in a hospice. So many thoughts running through my brain. It took me so long to come to terms with losing my dad, I'm not ready to lose my mum too. She doesn't deserve this. 

So my mum has been in the hospice for five days now. We have been able to visit in a very limited capacity which I guess is better than not at all. Her speech is now barely intelligible and she is now severely struggling to walk - they think she's had a stroke. I visited last night and when I left I just broke down in the car park and sat on the ground and sobbed. I can't bear to think of her suffering and there's nothing I can do. I wish I could just sit by her side for as long as she has left but I'm only allowed to see her for one hour per day. It's crippling to try and get on with the rest of my life when I'm not visiting as it feels anything I do that isn't actively looking after my mum is a slap in the face to her

We cremated my mum today. She passed on the 21st. It just went so incredibly quickly. I am now experiencing a lot of depersonalisation. We weren't even allowed to carry her in to the crematorium because of the virus. I'm experiencing little micro flashes of hurt but for the most part I'm just numb. It wasn't meant to be this quick, end this abruptly. 

So sorry to hear what you've been through.

Your most probably still in shock whilst you process what's happened in the last few months.

Grief Counselling May be something you want to try again when you feel the time is right. Talking about how your feeling may help you 

I am so sorry for your loss, I really am. Covid has made everything much more difficult than it needs to be, especially how we can lay out loved ones to rest and say good-bye. 

I hope you are easy on yourself as it is so clear how much love you have for your mum just by reading your posts, and I am sure your mum would never doubt this too. The visits would have made the world to her no matter how long they each were. 

I think it is so important to allow yourself to grieve in whichever way comes to you, grief is far from linear, so don't feel you should be feeling a certain way when you're not. I would have a talk with Macmillan support councillors as this is exactly what they do and can make a huge impact once you make that first step of getting in touch. 

What you have gone through in such a short amount of time is heartbreaking and so difficult, especially during everything that covid has brought too. But you have shown strength, and will continue to do so in the future.