Hello Jen,

I'm new to this cancer chat,I apologise for the time of posting this reply...To be totally honest with you I am going through the exact same life you have described.My lovely husband Steven of 43 years was diagnosed exactly 2 years this week with colectral cancer which has now spread to his pelvis..we have 3 amazing grown up children and 4 amazing grandcholdren whom we both think the world of.But suddenly I would say over the last 4 months of Steves cancer he has become not the nicest of people,his character has changed and I feel sometimes that I'm married to a completely different person.i cry a lot away from the family and pretend everything is OK and I'm coping,but the reality is completely different..I feel for you and like I say this is the first time I have gone on this site and told anyone how bad things are,but when I just read yours something just made me reply...im not sure if you will read my message but,you know my heart goes out to you because I'm feeling exactly the same..I love Steve just as much niw as the day we married probably more,but all this nastiness now I'm finding too hard to cope with..sorry to go on thankyou for reading about me x

I've read everyone's comments and I honestly honestly feel for every single one of you. My lovely partner died last September from terminal lung cancer. We had the prognosis of one year end Feb 2019. I was with him when he passed and I was his full time carer, day and night. Because of Covid I had no help until little over one month before he passed away. We were best buds for years. The he kind of pursued things further and in 2018 we started going out together as partners. Very soon it seemed he became controlling and jealous and I could not do anything right. He went to the Dr as he was always tired, had chest infections, but the Drs fobbed him off every time. As the year went on I became a verbal punchbag it seemed as he would just flare up for no apparent reason, numerous times say it was over etc. I loved him and I thought things would change. They did. In s few months we were fully into a battle with Cancer. He got worse more angry and more controlling. I put up with it because I loved him and realising it was the cancer I made a determined decision to stay right by him. I'm no Saint, nor am I a martyr but just wanting to give whatever support I could. Luckily we have great friends around us. Now he has died I'm left battling against all the crap memories as well as trying to get sleep patterns back. Thank goodness for my lovely little dog. But I feel for all of you going through the same. I read some diaries last night. It brought it all back. I dealt with terrible ***, fists in the face everything. I had made a vow to myself that if he ever laid a hand on me I'd leave. He never did. But I'm realising now that i'm left with mental scars. It leaves you mentally and physically knackered and I mean it when I say Inever want to go into another relationship for as long as I live. I miss him. I loved him very much. It wasn't him. It was the cancer. Im not daft though, I realise he was characteristically a jealous and controlling person, this came from mistrust from failed relationships, our one salvation was we talked to each other and talking is the key. Letting them know they hurt you and I used to tell him when he was out of line, that or just get up and leave the room. He soon learnt. I hated doing it but I told myself it was damage limitation. I soon would come back and by then the cloud had passed. He was frightened and how much can a human brain take to digest the fact you are dying. I can't begin to compute that. So as much as I'd like to say yes leave if things are getting to that point, I findyself telling you to stay. Because they need you. It will test you. It will push you into boundaries you didn't know existed. You will be tired and yes, you will be frightened too. But you can do it. There's help out there for you. People who you can talk to. Stay but not if it turns physical, that's a boundary too far. Sometimes I think he was testing me. To see if I would leave. Why would I when I loved him so much.

omg sat here in tears again due to the same situation ,been married 34 years and my husband can be a bully at times ,but since he was diagnosed with cancer last year hes become horrible expects me to do everything for him with no thanks at all ,i too struggling with my own health issues .i hate to say when hes in hospital its a welcome break from his nastiness,and i can  relax.he isn't terminal but seems to be happy being dependent on everyone else to do for him ..i thought i was horrible feeling so cold and angry ,while hes the one with cancer and whose had the operations and infections ...he loves the nurses saying how well hes done and he's always laughing and joking with them ,until they try to get him to move that is ....

I could have written all of these posts. I am close to going under. But it helps to see I'm not the only one

I wrote a very long post here earlier today but it seems to have disappeared. I don't have the mental energy to write it all again. I definately pressed post now button.  Did anyone else have this problem or am I just absolutely losing it?

Me too Michelle. I thought I was the only one going through this. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and do I have the right to feel so angry with him sometimes but as I have said to him, I am a human being who loves him very much and doing everything I can to make him feel comfortable. I thought I was being selfish. It would seem we are not alone and that brings some comfort to me. My daughter noticed at the weekend his behaviour towards me and she sent him a loving but clear message on how she felt he was being mean to me and he should have more patience and that we should support each other and how I am mentally suffering too. It's early days yet but it seems to have worked. He has been very kind since. Good luck everybody.

This really sounds like my situation. I'm here in the UK from NZ with our children to support my husband. Except he repeatedly tells me I'm not caring enough, I'm not looking after him properly and I'm not doing enough in general. I'm exhausted and walking on eggshells. Today I got told off for putting a word in his online scrabble game that didn't get him enough points

I'm here away from my family and friends and feeling incredibly isolated and alone. It's a real struggle for me to sleep and to get up in the mornings. 
Like others here it feels selfish to complain. I also felt I could breathe when my husband was kept in hospital for two nights. 

Before he got cancer he had already told me he doesn't love me anymore so I do wonder why I'm here. 

The dreaded dexamethasone. At first I thought I was imagining how bad my husbands mood was the days after steroids but 3 years later I now know to lie low and just not react in anyway to the stream of nastiness...abuse, insults, put downs etc. If I do try to stand up for myself I am usually met with a meltdown then a week or maybe longer of being totally ignored. As if I don't exist. And it bloody hurts. Even after all this time i struggle. But I know he has to take them so here we are. To use a phrase I've come to detest....it is what it is.

My partner was diagnosed with lung cancer its spread to the adrenal gland and iliac bone , I try so hard to be normal, but hes always after an argument.  He was in hospital not long ago and I had a call from a doctor she said I'm sorry but he has month rather than years, this over the phone, I've not told him as he does t want to know anything, I didnt want to know,  he spends all his time in bed because it's the only place he can get comfy. I'm so frightened for us both, but I dont want memories of arguments