Hello Mac12

I'm truly sorry that you are in this situation and understand how you must be feeling an intense mix of emotions at present.

It doesn't matter how old you are or what responsibilities you have, when faced with the imminent death of a parent you feel like a little child. There is absolutely no shame involved with crying infront of your loved ones whether they are adults or children, infact it shows them how much you care for your father, you wouldn't be ashamed of laughing when you are happy so why is crying when you're heartbroken any different. Let the emotions come, go for a walk or sit in the car, if you feel you need more of a private space to release the tears.

When my mum was passing 18 months ago I came away from the hospice and sobbed for her to come home again. I too am grown up, work as a professional in health care and was looking after other family members, but have never cried so much in front of medical staff and even a couple of my oldest patients. I couldn't stop the tears in the last couple of weeks despite having held it together for months prior to this. It's as though the external facade of an adult we portray gets so thin that the inside child we always are to a parent has to break out. I remember telling my sister that when I was tiny I used to get separation anxiety if my parents left me with relatives to go shopping, she asked what it felt like and I replied it's the same feeling I exerienced when mum died - a sense of deep loss. As an adult you have the knowledge that they're not coming back and frankly it is a mix of loss, fear, desperate sadness and anger - grief seems too short a word.

Despite what you may currently feel the body and mind is capable of coping with extreme situations and I am confident you will come through this, everyone's situation is unique and there is no right or wrong way of dealing with it. Talk to the staff caring for your Dad as they can offer support and you might find it useful to look at dyingmatters.org for support information about dying and what to expect. For children Michael Rosen's The Sad Book, illustrated by Quentin Blake is a beautiful simple but powerful way of describing the emotions associated with losing a loved one, taken from the author's own expereince.

Be kind to yourself and much love to all your family.

x

Thankyou for your reply and the kind words. i am caring for dad at home with his wife. we have some support from the hospice and the community support nurses but the long restless nights that my father has are exhausting and the fear and anxiety he expresses is scary and disturbing to witness. we have been assured that this is normal until the medication levels for him are refined.the feeling of helplessness is sometimes just to great. we are near the end of the journey i feel and although i dont want  him to go i dont wish him to stay and suffer any more.