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Unsure how to process my mum being diagnosed

ChloeR7898
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Hi everyone, 

My names Chloe and I'm 21 years old, my mum was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and 2 weeks ago had her 1st surgery but unfortunately we found out today that it was unsuccessful and has spread to her lymph nodes, it's more aggressive than originally thought and she now has another lumpectomy next week, failing that a mastectomy. She begins chemotherapy in a few weeks.

I was just wondering what to expect from chemo? I'm finding it really hard to process everything or understand things and I'd like to know I'm not alone and hear other people's experiences either with cancer & chemo or experiences as a family member. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this! I send my love and thoughts to everyone ️

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    Hi Chloe,

    So very sorry to hear what you are going through with your Mum. 

    I can't give any advice on the chemo side of things as I have no experience of it for any loved ones but what I have gone through is long term illness with my mum and many times it has been touch and go with her.  Tomorrow we have an appointment with a consultant following tests on a lung nodule which appeared during a hospital admission for a completely unrelated issue.  My mum is 69, I am 44 and I am scared out of my wits.

    All I can tell you is you aren't alone - use this forum for advice and just take one day at a time.  We need to be strong for them, but lean on friends and other family members because you need support as well.

    Take care chick xx

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    Chloe,

     

    I'm so sorry for what you are all going through following your Mum's diagnosis. I can only talk to my own experiences - My Mum was diagnosed 4 months ago and is currently on her fourth round of chemo. 

     

    There is no right or wrong way to process that your Mum is sick. Some days I cry all day. Some days I forget for 50% of the time and can escape from it. Its often the first thing I think about in the morning and before I go to bed. What I can say is even though I don't know you I am so proud of you. For posting here, for wanting to know more. Keep talking - do you have someone a friend or family member who can just listen? They might not understand always but having those people in your life can really help. If not talk here and ask here or call the Macmillan helpline. You are not alone. My mantra is to take it hour by hour. Don't judge yourself or too harshly however you feel. Can you talk with your Mum about how she is feeling? Cancer is lonely for everyone involved. 

     

    In regards to chemo Mum goes to a centre for one day each round, they look after her well and they are really kind. She has made some friends. Everyone's chemo experience will be difference. In our case she has to take lots of medicines, she shaved her head in preparation - this helped her feel in control (not everyone loses their hair) but Mum would have due to her type of treatment. I thought I would be sad to see her without her hair - I felt more proud than sad. She was nervous before her first chemo but now she knows the routine. Her emotions are up and down - when she gets sad - this is when we try to pick her up, tell her how brave she is and to that she won't always feel this way. We have made and bought her little gifts and let her know we are thinking of her all the time. She is tired alot and rests alot. Her tastes have changes and eating is important so we make her whatever she feels like at the time. We try to get her to drink alot of fluids. I read alot online, I have called the Macmillan line. After about day 9 days she starts to feel better. Her skin was dry and itchy so we bought some oil which has helped. The doctor gave us medicine for pains and anxiety and we have a plan on when to give them to her. 

     

    Make time for you, find ways to take your mind of it when it gets too much. Netflix, long baths, meditation, yoga, anything that helps you relax a little. You are strong enough to support your Mum through this ️

  • Offline in reply to KarenK19752

    Hello! 
     

    Thank you so so so much for your response. I didn't realise how much this would help me! I am so sorry to hear about your mum, she sounds like a very strong lady! As are you! 
     

    I wish you all the luck for the appointment tomorrow. We definitely do need to be strong for them. We aren't alone and that's the beautiful thing. 
     

    Again thank you so much! You take care too x

  • Offline in reply to Elle676

    Hi Elle! 
     

    I'm sorry that you're experiencing all of this too. Thank you so so much, I think I'm definitely going to take a bath and maybe try toga or something! 
     

    I think with it all being during coronavirus, it makes it all a lot harder. As I don't live with my mum so I have to stay away. FaceTime isn't quite the same. I am the same as you, sometimes I can push it to the back of my head but others I cry all day! I think I'm finding it hard to deal with it because I have a 1 year old so I don't really have the time to be upset, my partner/his dad is great and so supportive but I feel like I need to be strong for everyone and sometimes it's gets on top of me! Thank you for such kind words! 
     

    I hope your mum keeps fighting and has a happy recovery! We can all do this together and for our mums! Thank you for sharing your experience, this really helps! You are also strong enough! ️

  • Offline in reply to ChloeR7898

    I honestly think making time to center yourself is great. I really struggled with anxiety the first few weeks - I talked to the doctor and they gave me Diazapan. I don't take them often but if it gets really bad I take one and it calms me right down. I listen to meditations and do face masks. Important for you too as a busy Mum. I think being strong includes letting yourself have a good cry and mope sometimes. Sometimes it's probably best to have your little one as a distraction. 

    I so relate with covid, I didn't actually live with Mum during her diagnosis or first few treatments and have only recently moved in to help care for her. I remember feeling wrong only talking on facetime and it didn't feel real at all. Because I hadn't seen her or been there. I think it's actually harder the seperation - see this as time to focus on getting in a good place for that time when you will be with her once again.  

     

    Sending you so much love. Xxx

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    Hey buddy! 

    Sorry you are going through such a hard time just now, my mum had breast cancer too when I was 14 she had a lumpectomy, lymph node removal, chemo and radio, I'm now 29 and she's going strong cancer free and currently helping my best friend through her own treatment as she's just had mastectomy and going through chemo, in terms of chemo your mum will get tired, Maybe sick although my friend hasn't been sick she's only on her first lot though, she says  her mouth is sore that's about all, my mum said the first one was the worst then she felt better after that, the main concern is keeping her safe and minimising risk of infection so I know it really sucks that you can't be with her right now it really is the best thing for her and you just being there in anyway you can will mean so much to her, I bought my bestie a care package and dropped it round at her house (socially distanced of course) just with little bits like a wax melt burner, some new books, her favourite chocolate and her favourite fizzy pop and she was made up with it, I don't know if it was the right way to deal with it but I know my friend and she hates sympathy and other people being sad for her so I told her I'm not giving her any sympathy because she's going to kick cancers butt and come out even stronger, she's struggling with 'being a sick person' mentally she doesn't want people to look at her differently or act differently towards her so I tend to just talk to her as normal until she tells me something about her treatment and opens up the line of conversation, I think people with cancer dont want to just feel like a person with cancer if you know what I mean, so just be her daughter be there for her and keep your chin up my mum's living proof that cancers not the end of the world and soon my best friend will be too x

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    Hi Chloe,

    First of all, thank you for posting. I'm new to the forum and this thread has struck a chord with me. 

    My mum was diagnosed with an aggressive lymphoma at the end of May and began chemo at the beginning of June. The last six months since the enlarged node was discovered have been an emotional rollercoaster because the scans/biopsies/tests kept coming back inconclusive. Although it's not the first time we've been through cancer/chemo as a family, I've found it incredibly difficult to process everything lately. My mum had cancer a few years ago (apparently unrelated, caught early and only needed one surgery) and my dad passed away from prostate cancer a few years before that. Instead of getting used to it, it seems to get harder to cope with each time - and the current lockdown certainly isn't helping! Like you I don’t live with my mum; I’m about an hour away so have only been able to make a couple of socially distanced visits in the garden (with her doctor’s permission). However, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to continue to visit as she’s being moved onto a more intense treatment next week and has been told she’ll need to shield more strictly. My brother and sister-in-law live nearby so have been supporting in all the practical ways, which is a big relief.

    As the others have said, it is so scary! I have days where I cry at the slightest thing, days where my stomach is in a knot and days where I can put it out of my mind, at least for a while. I suppose the silver lining to living alone and working from home at the moment is that I can just let my feelings out whenever I need to! Mindfulness exercises can help and I’m using guided meditation to fall asleep to at night. I’m also trying to put on a brave face and not to let my family see how hard things are for me because my mum would worry – I feel she needs to stay positive and focus on herself.

    In terms of treatment, there are different types of chemo and people can react differently to them. My grampa used to get the bus to the hospital, have his chemo and feel well enough to do his evening activities afterwards! My dad’s chemo was palliative and he also went in for the day, got his chemo and went home. I wasn't living at home at the time, but remember him feeling worn out, losing his appetite and losing his hair. Mum is having a rougher time of it already (round one; now into week three). I believe the first day of chemo lasts longer than usual as there are extra questions, samples, tests etc involved. Your mum should be prepared to sit in a chair for hours – I’d recommend taking a book, puzzles, etc to keep herself occupied. Unfortunately my mum found the chemo incredibly painful at her tumour site (apparently that’s unusual, certainly not something we’ve heard of before) so she was transferred to another hospital for five days while they brought her pain under control and gave her antibiotics because her temperature kept spiking. Since she got home she’s been very tired and sleeping for hours during the day as well as longer at night; I’m not sure how much of that is due to chemo and how much is due to a week of sleepless nights in hospital! She’s had some nausea/vomiting since week one and her tastes have changed, so she’s experimenting with different flavours of juice at the moment. It’s important to drink plenty of fluids to flush everything through. She doesn’t have much of an appetite, but she wasn’t a big eater anyway and apparently ginger biscuits go down a treat! Mum was showing us her new wig today and said her hair is beginning to come out in strands. From next week her chemo will be administered in hospital over the course of a week instead of a day and then she’ll get home for two weeks. She’s reassured us that the ward staff are all lovely and certainly greeted them with a smile whenever they popped in during a videocall. She thought the new treatment would make us feel better because she’s got 24/7 care for the week in case she needs it instead of being on her own at home, but I don’t know… still wrapping my head around that one! Every time I think I’ve got to grips with what’s going on, something seems to change…

    Think I need to add ‘Expect the unexpected’ to my mantra of ‘One day at a time’…! :laugh:

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