Hello,

I hope I have posted this in the right place as this is my first post. My grandad is dying of cancer (asbestos), he moved back home (in a hospital bed) as that was what he wished for his final few weeks. My mom (it's her dad) will be going to stay with him at some times (he lives 45 minutes away) over the next few weeks as the has to be someone in the house with him alongside the nurse. I went to see him about two months ago in his home as I knew he was so ill - and am so glad I did. My family haven't see him much due to coronavirus.

My mom has said about me and my siblings going to see him. Is it selfish if I say I do not want to go? I want to remember him as the strong, happy, intelligent grandad I knew and I don't know if I can bare to see him so unwell. But do I force myself too go if it could bring him some happiness? He was a very proud man so I'm not sure he'd even want me to see him this way.

He has started to get very confused but been asking about my Mom and dad as they were very close.

I also want to be there for my mom as well as this my nan, and her mom, passed away from dementia a month ago which was also horrible as we couldn't be with her due to coronavirus. I am 26 years old and these are first losses I've had of my adult life, which I know I am very lucky for. But I still feel so sad for my grandparents and how there lives have ended and so angry coronavirus took away some precious weeks with them for my family.

Sorry for my rambling post, I haven't spoken about how I feel to anyone and try to keep my mom distracted, but feel better even just writing it down. I am a very emotional personal so it's all I think about.

Sending love to anyone who reads this xx