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I hate my mum for having cancer

Fullofjoy123
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I'm aware that this will be the most selfish horrible thing that I will ever write. 
 

My mum has had MS since I'm was 4, she got breast cancer when I was 15 and survived, and last year she got ovarian cancer and a year later is now in remission. I'm horrible to admit that the remission has not made me happy. It has made me more angry. I hate her for having cancer and being ill and doing this to me. I lost my job, I've had two failed relationships and I have gained 2 stone of weight and an eating disorder as a way of coping in the last year - all as a result of my mum having cancer. 
 

I blame her. And I hate her illness for ruining my life. Always being ill. I want a mum. I want to be the child. Not the one looking after her. An entire year of waiting for updates from my dad after endless weekly appointments and tests, visits to hospitals and chemo seeing my mum in a position that was horrible. Losing my mum without even losing her. Losing my best friend with no warning, my lifeline. My entire family falling to pieces. Endless visits and exhaustion as a result from travelling up north throughout this time. Ruined friendships.
 
Now before everyone thinks I am an awful human. I am fully aware of the reality. This was not my battle. She is the one who is both mentally and physically scarred. She is the one who endured all the fear and pain. She is the one who could have lost everything. She does not in anyway deserve anymore pain, or for the person she wishes the best for to hate her. 
 

but I can't help it. I hate her for doing this to me. And even now she is in remission, I hate her even more. Like am I now supposed to just have healed automatically overnight from all the emotional trauma I went through as a result?  
 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hate her. I can't even look her in the eye. I know what I am saying is awful. I will never deny that. But I don't know how to heal from the effect it has on me I guess. So I blame her. 
 

has anyone experienced anything similar? And has any advice? 

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    I am really sorry to hear how you are feeling. I can't in any way know how you feel but I just wanted to reach out to you and give you a virtual hug and tell you to be kind to you. Only you know your true journey. My prayers are for you . Xxxx

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     Hello,

              l am willing to bet that your mum shares a lot of your anger,for not being there for you,for coming between you and your life,for your struggle to cope with the fallout and debris that have blighted your life.So when you ask are you selfish, the answer is that what you feel is one of a normal range of emotions that we all possess.Which ones we chose to carry forward with us into our future becomes the difference between us,and how you feel today will not always be the ones we take with us in the future.

      Resentment comes from reality coming between yourself and your dreams,hopes and aspirations,and in time you will see that reality is to blame ,not your Mum.Would life be great if we couldcontrol the outcome of reality,with everything in an ordered predictable way?,or would you complain of it being boring and predictable.

    At a younger age l blamed my mother for a broken marriage and several failed relationships which robbed me of my childhood as l looked after younger siblings .As l faced challenges in my own life later on,my perspective changed as did the realisation that these events had made me the person who could face up to them and meet them head on.l also appreciated my mother had never given up on me despite her own personal challenges and what l perceived to have lost in childhood was more than replaced later in life.

          You will not always feel this,but your feeling do not change overnight.There has never been a more truism that there is never one cancer patient,but all the family members as well.l hope in time your feelings will change and hopefully whilst your Mum is still here,because later regrets will be another burden to carry in your future,l was lucky to be able to do this and remain extremely grateful for that to this day.

                  You are not a bad person,just one who needs sort perspectives out within themself and that does not come easy,but you have made a big step forward by sharing your post,and l hope you go forward from here,

                                  Take care, David

                                    

     

                                                      

  • Hi and thank you for posting

    Expressing how you feel must have been very difficult for you, and although you may feel guilty about this, you shouldn’t ignore your own feelings.

    Many people feel angry or resentful. This is a normal reaction and you aren’t being selfish. Cancer is happening to someone you love but it has also changed your life. Anger is also covering other feelings, such as sadness, fear or anxiety. Try not to let feelings of anger and resentment build up and if possible, talk to someone about how you feel.

    You’ve taken the first step by sharing your feelings with others here but do try and get some practical help for yourself, your GP can refer you to counselling services and there is some very helpful advice on the Macmillan website and they also have a support line which might help you find ways of coping with everything that is going on. You can contact the Macmillan Support Line for free on 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week 8am - 8pm. 

    I hope this helps 

    Best wishes

    Moderator Sarah

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