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Parent with terminal cancer, I'm not sure what to do

Chequer
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Hello all,

I'm not sure there's an answer for my concerns or what’s going on right now. I'm looking for a little advice etc. and not sure what to do.

My mum was given 3/4 months to live back in Jan 2020, a few days later she was admitted to hospital. I live abroad so I returned home to be with her immediately. Originally I was planning to come after a month as I wanted to give work some notice. As it didn't look good I came back immediately. Work have kept my job open etc.

My mum was released from hospital and hasn’t been back since, I’m happy to report.

After been home a couple of weeks, my dad suddenly passed away. This was very sad and a big shock. We don't have anyone else in the family so I've stayed to look after my mum.

We're 6 months on now and she’s still doing well. Since I first arrived she has got weaker, more tired, gets confused a little over days/little things, and her words aren't the best. She still gets on with her day, she’s very strong and keep laughing through it all.

As you can imagine it's been a horrible year so far!

I can't stop thinking 'what do I do?' I hate this feeling! My mum tells me to go home, but I couldn't imagine been on the other side of the world when the time comes. I want to support her as much as I can, I know she will need the support. On the other side, I wonder how long I can put my life on hold. I feel bad for thinking like this.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and care to share their story? Or anyone got any advice?

Thanks in advance

 

  • Offline

    Hi Chequer

    So sorry for this awful year. 

    Yes - I can relate to this. 

    Parent diagnosed with cancer....spent as long as I could with them and then had to travel home, several hundred miles away from them to engage in life again...work, mainly.

    I was thinking...is there any way that your Mum could come and stay with you? Sorry, quite aware you've already considered this. 

    Also - wondering if you could access any of your Mum's medical team and have a chat with them...tell them you were considering going home but wanted their honest opinion about whether this would be a good idea in light of your Mum's condition. 
     

    Such a tough one. You absolutely should not feel any guilt whatsoever xxx 

  • Offline in reply to citygirl111

    Hi,

    Thank you for your reply. 
     

    Yeah unfortunately she's not allow to fly due to the medical condition and that's the only way to get to us.

     

    I was thinking of having a chat with them. It's all hard as I don't want to leave her on her own. I would also have to come back to deal with the house etc. So I'm always thinking well it's best to wait.

    It's an awful position to be in.

  • Offline in reply to Chequer

    Hi Chequer 

    Ah I see. That is unfortunate that your Mum cannot travel. 
     

    Yes, maybe that would be a good next step - to see what her medical team have to say. 
     

    My experience was...I didn't want to leave. If I could've stayed longer, I would have because my Mum was very, very unwell. I wasn't there for her passing away but didn't feel any guilt about this (it was just one of those awful situations that couldn't really be helped). 
     

    If your Mum is strong and getting on with things, it's quite possible she could continue to do so for a while yet. I hope the medical team can clear this up for you so you're better informed to make a decision xxx 
     

  • Offline in reply to citygirl111

    Thank you for the advice :)

     

    She is getting worse each week and is needing more help, even though she refuses it.

     

    That's one thing I find hard, if she falls she won't let me help her back up. I know she doesn't want to give in to the cancer but seeing my mum spend 1 hour on the floor unable to get up is a little upsetting. It makes me feel usless.

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