Hi,
Since about 2 weeks my (female, 27) father (57) has been diagnosed with kidney cancer. At the moment there is still a lot of uncertainty about if it's terminal or not and how long he has, what kind of treatment is possible and if he will actually die. They are about 95% sure the cancer has spread through his lymphmatic system, which eventually will be terminal.
The main problem for me is that all my family, including my father live in the Netherlands whereas I live in the UK with my long-term partner. Due to the Covid-19 pandemic I am unable to travel back home, or make any plans as to when I might be able to go there. This makes me feel very powerless but also very disconnected from everything and my family.
My two younger sisters (22 and 25) and their partners have been able to visit regularly over the past week (lock-down in the Netherlands is not as tight as here) and they are more involved than I am.
Unfortunately I haven't had a very good relationship with my father as I was growing up, and I haven't really seen him as a friend or someone I love and trust 100%, he has hurt me too much when I was younger, and while I now know that he only did what he thought was best, it has left me with some mental issues that we are unable to talk about. I don't feel like I need to forgive him, as I don't think he was acting out of malice, but I do wish I he was able to acknowledge his part in my mental struggles to this day.
The fact that I am thinking about our poor relationship so much, rather than the fact that he might die (soon), makes me feel incredibly guitly. It also makes it very hard for me to talk to him over the phone, because we only have so many innocent topics we are able to talk about without it becoming uncomfortable.
However, I have never lost a family member before besides my grandfathers who were both over 80 years old, and I even have a grandmother who is 92 and still very healthy. It makes me incredibly sad to think that I might lose my father before I graduate university, or get engaged, or even have children. And I am also terribly sad for my mother (50) who would become a widow at such a young age with all her children living on their own. I welcome any advice and tips. Thanks for reading <3
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TLDR: I have a poor relationship with my father who lives in another country from me. Because we're still waiting for a full diagnosis I don't know how to talk about it with any of my family members. Is he gonna die? If so how soon? What will we be able to do before it happens? Will I be able to visit soon? I'm scared for the awkwardness between me and my father when I do visit, because of our poor relationship and all of this makes me feel very guitly.
