Hi Jamie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your father and the troubles you are feeling right now. 

I am recently in a similar boat where my Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 NHL for the second time. I am also having issues with swollen lymph nodes myself at the moment (undiagnosed currently), and I have struggled to deal with the balance between caring for my dad, my mum who is worried sick and myself. Like you, I have tried to keep the family and all around positive but it gets real lonely and sometimes the burden feels so overwhelming that I have ended up going days without eating or sleeping. 

The only thing I can say is do not feel guilty for reaching out for help - I understand the responbility you feel from being the eldest son. I felt like I couldn't properly talk to my dad or anyone at all for that matter for such a long time, needing to put on a brave face, but ultimately bottling everything up made everything many times worse. You are human and you are going through an incredibly traumatic time - be there for those you love, but reach out when you need to and don't be afraid to feel. 

My Dad said to me the other day "Son, I've known you your whole life and I can tell when you're upset. Just because I'm ill doesn't mean anything has changed - you can still talk to me". I am 100% sure your father feels the same way, as do your family. Let them be there for you, as you are for them.

And please reach out here if you need a place to vent or talk. Stay strong man. 

Hi Jamie. Sorry to hear what you are all going through at the moment. I too am in a similar position as Mum has stage 4 colon cancer which has spread aggressively to her liver, stomach and lungs. They advised that she has 6-8 weeks to live, which is unthinkable. Despite advice from her Consultant not to, she is starting palliative Chemo next week. I find this such a terrifying thought as, at the moment, she is coping so well. Of course I understand that she wishes to extend her life for as long as possible and we will all support her with this decision. We are all in the dark really as what to expect over the next few months, but are all doing our best to be super positive, which I am sure you know isn't easy. Mum had a lovely day yesterday in her new Lay z Spa, her 'impulsive and reckless' purchase as she puts it!  Reckless or not, she felt absolutely fabulous and pain free whilst having a dip! 

Just know that you're not alone, and reach out for any support you can. I don't know where to go in terms of support, I have so many questions about what to expect, how to best support Mum and my family.

Best wishes to you and your family, sending positive thoughts

Hi Jamie, 

Your e-mail really resonated. 

My Dad also has stage 4, poorly differentiated Colon Cancer with peritoneal spread. He was diagnosed on the first Monday of the lockdown, at this point the doctors were not aware of the spread and he was told he would need to have the right hand side of his bowel removed and  they would not be able to perform the operation until restrictions were eased. The surgery was eventually scehduled for 2 weeks ago, but when they started the operation they discovered the spread into the peritoneum and abandoned the operation. Whilst in recovery he developed heart block and had to be fiited with a pacemaker. So he has had quite a traumatic time. 

Heartbreakingly my mum passed away 18 months ago after being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and my Dad still really feels that loss. A short time after my Mum's diagnosis my Dad was diagnosed with Prostrate Cancer with a gleason score of 10 (agressive). He underwent 9 weeks of Radiotherapy and remains on Hormone injections. 

Luckily I live 5 doors away from my Dad so I am now caring for him at home, I have 2 children aged 14 and 22 and they are also helping out, keeping up with his beloved garden and shopping. We just all want to make sure he is wrapped in lots of love and comfort.  

It sounds like you are do a great job supporting both of your parents and your sister. Take one day at a time and although its hard, try not to second guess the future.Cancer is not predicatable and no ones story will be exactly the same. Please make sure you have some support for yourself, with a new born as well you seem to have a lot going on in your life. Its also so hard when friends and family that would typically be around to support and hel , cant because of the lockdown. I know the experience this time feels very different from when my Mum was diagnosed and as a family we feel far more isolated. 

Please make sure you find time to look after yourself as well as everyone else. I feel your pain and frustration and not being able to change the situation. 

Stay Safe

L