Dear Claire, what a horrible situation to find yourself in especially with everything else that is happening around you.  I can only think that the tumours in her brain are making her act as she is, if she hadn't been like this before there has to be a reason.  You need to tell people in charge that you can't cope, you cannot be expected to care for her all alone.  The smoking dilemma is not going away so don't buy them, I assume you have to get her them.  Don't argue with her just say she's not having them, that's it.  She's scared, frightened and upset, she's not the Mum you recognise, it's so hard, my Mum had dementia and she would lash out, she was a mess to look at after always being a glamour puss, I was relieved when she died, I then fought hard to remember her as she had been.  Those dark places visit us all at some time, we've all thought the worst but we come through it, stronger and more aware of how we can cope.  Claire, I have a few girls who chat on my thread, we help each other through bad times, join us if you would like to.  Here if you need to chat.  Carol x

Hello Claire
I think that Carol has said everything that I was going to say in my reply to you but I just wanted to post to reiterate one point that she made  - please do speak to the hospice team about your Mum's situation. Tell them that you are unable to cope. Explain to them how you've been feeling. They will be used to relatives feeling like this and will be able to support you but they can't help if you put a brave face on things and just try to carry on. 
If you'd like to talk to one of our nurses beforehand then you're most welcome to give them a call. They're available on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and I'm sure they would be able to give you some support and advice. 
Best wishes, 

Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator

Hi Claire ...

So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... and agree with everything Carol has said ... my sister had dementure ... and turned from our patriarch and wonderful big sis, to where she had to go into care, as she'd started to get out through the night, in her nighty and walk the streets and loose her way .. to be luckily brought back by the police ...

The two years she was there, nothing we could do was right .. and her favorite word turned into f off ..we all made a pact, we'd go into her world, it wasn't her saying those things it was the dementure ... but we are lucky we have a big loveing family ... but even so, visits could take their toll, and it hurt ...

Luckily her last couple of weeks, she turned back into that loving sister, mum, and nanny we all loved .. so i have a little knolage how heartbraking it is ...  

Your mum is angry now, coz I think she's not only the cancer making her angry but the withdrawal from cigarettes.... maybe they could get her a nicotine patch, which just may help ... and if I were you, I'd let her stay there .. so you get time to work and be you .. and then visit her , and get hopefully a bit better or even if still angry you can say to yourself it's not her, it's what she's going though ..

But if you go back to 24/7 care, how long will it be till you brake... you have tried so hard .. now its time to look after you too ..she will get used to it there .. think she feels if she has a huge tantrum, she'll get her own way .. which in the end could cause a fire ... 

Years ago my dad had lung disease from 50 years down the pit .. he loved his fags ... but because we loved him, we took them away .. yes it was hard on him and us, but think it gave us a bit more time with him ..

So hold on in there .. and carols thread is amazing and like a little family .. you will feel really welcome, and realise your not alone ... sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie xx

Hi Claire, 

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and it reminds me of the situation I was in this time last year. My Mum passed away August last year and the months leading up to it were so traumatic for all of us, I'm still struggling now. 

I was 30, mum Was 52, my sister 28.

My mum too ended up in a hospice due to secondary breast cancer in the lungs and brain. She became a completely different person, unrecognisable, so please try not to take it to heart the things your Mum is saying.

I remember mum making me promise I would get her home from the hospice. We did and she died a day and a half later. All she wanted was to pass away at home and she knew it was 'her time'.

Also another bit of help, try not to patronise your Mum. Chances are she too knows what's going on with her and that she's dying. I can't imagine how it must feel. 

I miss my Mum incredibly and I'm so sorry you will join this club too. 

Chat to me anytime, I've been there. 

All my love

Leona