Hi Nadja

3 weeks ago my father was diagnosed with stage 4 mestasized cancer which has spread to lungs liver and stomach. This was out if the blue.

I also live 4 hours away. 

I feel your anguish. At the moment he is not able to get any treatment and has been told to sit tight for 3 months.  We have spoken to him and he has chosen to have quality of life as opposed to treatment when pandemic is over.

It is really tough not being able to hold his hand, give him and my mum a cuddle, or just spend time with them. 

The feelings that we are experiencing are those of grief. I feel guilty that I am not close, that I am not travelling up but at the same time am exhausted because I spend every waking hour anxious and worrying and grieving. 

I have to be brave for those around me but it doesnt mean it's easy. If everyone has their own way of dealing with such terrible news at a terrible time. Take time to allow yourself to feel and grieve for the situation.

I have sought some counselling as I find voicing my thoughts help get them out of my head and help me personally to rationalise. This was through my works employee assistance scheme.

Such a difficult things to deal with, really feel for you x

Jane

Dear Nadja

I am so sorry to hear about your father’s diagnosis. You’ve taken a huge step in reaching out so firstly, well done you for acknowledging you and your family need help.

I sadly lost my Dad to duodenal cancer on 14th November 2019, he was 85 years young. He was diagnosed in September 2017 and due to his poor general health at the time (unstable angina and quite frail as an elderly person), doctors said he wouldn’t survive chemo or surgery so it was palliative care. He’d been unwell before the diagnosis and lost loads of weight in a short space of time and my Mum made him go to the doctors as he didn’t want to bother. I think Mum wasn’t surprised by the diagnosis as she thought it might be cancer but it was still a shock to us all. My parents lived in Stockport and I live in Bideford, Devon so roughly 270 miles apart and I really felt the distance. My Dad couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about the cancer, I tried on many occasions to help him open up but he would change the subject or just go quiet on me. He must have been so frightened and angry, I know I was and I asked for counselling through work but was put on a very long waiting list. They suggested I approach my local Hospice and after my GP referred me, I started ‘talking’ sessions quickly. By that time, I had quit my job and moved in with my parents (a joint decision backed fully by my husband). A lady rang me from the pre bereavement team at the Hospice and we had many helpful chats over a long period of time. We as a family also had help from the district nursing team attached to the GP surgery, we were allocated a Macmillan nurse (after a GP referral) and in the last 3 months of his life, Dad finally agreed to have carers in the house (he had not wanted any outside help for ages before this but we convinced him that we all needed help). I felt completely alone, even though I was living with my parents and was in regular contact with my husband over the phone and saw my brother and sister and their families often. My counsellor at the Hospice said that I had started the grieving process already and I hadn’t really thought of it like that but she was right. Talking is the best advice I can give you. Fear is a big part of a cancer diagnosis, whether as a patient or family member. There are no right or wrong feelings to have and it’s best to share them if you are able. Nobody will judge you so please don’t judge yourself. This goes for your parents too. I am not ashamed to admit that I suffered a mental breakdown after being with my parents for 4 months. I couldn’t cope anymore and went back home to my husband. Even before I left their house, I felt guilty but I was in a very dark place then. I had to leave for my own welfare. Gosh, I’m telling a complete stranger all of this so I’m sorry if I’m rambling on too much. Writing things down also helped me cope (I mean my emotions etc), I even wrote poetry but it was rather dark I’m afraid but it was dark times then. You talk about being brave and not knowing how to cope - sometimes it’s too hard to be brave and not being able to cope is not a failure as I know from experience. Please do not expect too much of yourself as we are only human beings and not always strong enough to face the horrors in this world. I don’t know which country you are now in, UK or abroad but I’d start with contacting Macmillan and see where that takes you and of course the Cancer Research UK site :

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/

Let me know how you get on and please stay in touch through this site.

Love and support,

Ange xxx

Hi NaAnn,

I have been desperately searching for people in a similar situation to me and it has really helped reading all of these. Thank you. This year my dad found out that he had stomach cancer. He had an operation which went ok but found out a few weeks ago that it spread.

My worry is that I have had a difficult relationship with my dad for the past 5 or so years and that I don't see him an awful lot. I feel troubled about that  but I do want to see him more now and know that would mean a lot to him.

I also feel scared and sad and guilty about seeing him. I don't want to make him worse but I feel speaking to him or seeing him this will make me so upset which might make him really sad too. I feel so sorry for him, facing a shadowy and uncertain future and I just feel that I am not a good loving daughter as I'm not going to be there 24 hrs a day so I'm guilty about that. 

How do people cope with this? I am someone who always quickly tries to look on the bright side and get horrible things over and done with quickly but there is so much foreboding and uncertainty that this can't work right now.

Anyway, thank you for this opportunity to offload and I just send love to everyone going through any of this.