Feel so guilty

My 27 year old son was diagnosed with incurable brain cancer just over a 18 months ago. He has endured surgery, radiotherapy and 8 cycles of chemo. We are so proud of the way he has coped and his positive outlook as he is fully aware that his life will end far earlier than it should. My son has always been very active and led a full life but all that has changed. He's moved back home with us and lost all his independence including being able to drive. The location of his tumour has caused personality changes. Some days his behaviour is just vile. He's cruel, aggressive and just impossible to live with. He has treated his younger sister so badly something he would never ever have done before. We have no respect from him and we look at him wondering where our lovely son has gone. I feel terrible saying all this. His dad and I know how frightened he must be dealing with this massive life change and what he has to face but it's so hard trying to keep the balance within the home. Our neighbours have complained about his outbursts and shouting. He has been offered so many options for counselling but he won't take it saying this is what he is now and we just have to deal with it. Hi 18 year old sister is becoming a shadow of her former self and we are all struggling with it all. He also suffers seizures so I've had to take a long term break from work. Every part of me hopes he will live for so many years to come but part of me wonders how we will all cope with this. We miss our family before and we miss our son. I feel so bad for feeling this way.  I am fully aware this is not about us but life is just so hard. I've spoken to the medical team who say that behaviour changes like this are common. I just feel at a loss. 

  • Hi there ... so so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment...

    I can empathise and know just how hard it is ... my lovely sister, who was the person we all looked up to, and went for advice ... the matriarch of our amazing family ...

    She developed vascular dementia... a few years back ... she got angrier over time .. and her favorite word to us was f off ...  she was so curt with us all.. even her grandkids that she dotted on, would get rebuffed too .. we all came to the conclusion it was not her .. it was the dementure ... it got so upsetting sometimes, we'd be in tears after seeing her .. but you do need respite, you need to be able to get away occasionally , I know that's nearly impossible right now .. but even a room where you could do something calming like gentle music ... anything to change the mood .. 

    When he gets really angry, just go into another room ... so he starts to realise, bad / angry behaviour means you just turn round and go .. it is not him .. it's the cancer .. but that doesn't mean you have to stand and take it .. Esp his sister .. try to explain to her .. the only one who can't get away , is him.. and yes him, like my sister must have been heartbraking for them ...

    Befor I lost my sister , last month , we had two weeks, where I got my sister back .. and our whole family saw the happy , sweet person she was before dementure .. this time she'd say, " I love you" so now I just remember those two weeks .. but we all had to hold on as a family .. hold each other up .. and be allowed to cuss dementure, never her ... and that was o.k ... 

    Be kind to your selfs .. your not super woman, just a mum .... and it's only a mum who can do this ... that unconditional love , gets well put to the test ... it's overwhelming at times ... try and reach out to Marie Currie or McMillan... they may have coping skills .. or they may just listen ... but try to hold on in there .. they will always be our babies ...  maybe the Dr can give him anti depressant or a tablet to calm him ..

    The reason he gets angry is cancer ... it's not an excuse to be crule ... always around if you need someone to chat too ... sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie