Don't be Sorry for the rant.

What a predicament you are in, sorry to hear that and sorry to sound trite.

Although your marriage is failing, I am sorry to hear hubby diagnosed with Leukemia 2 years ago.

I am no counsellor but hope this post helps you feel listened to and maybe help you with where you are, your feelings are valid too.

There must be a long standing reason why your  husband has depression, maybe it originated in childhood. A lot of people have depression when they have not healed from difficulut childhood wounds. Difficult relationships with  parents etc.

The painkiller addiction is him self medicating to block out the pain, not a healthy way to live.

It is not good for your children. They will sense the atmosphere so I would show them that you love them, kids blame themselves when parents don't get on, make sure they know it's not their fault.

I  bet you feel stuck between a rock and a  hard place.

The bedroom situation may be due to emotional causes as well, as sex organs and psychological states are closely linked.

What a difficult situation to be in. Are you talking to each other in a civil way or do you row?

Sexual attraction is lust, you need to be in love, which means with the heart, I don't mean to sound harsh. The kids will be feeling as if he is emotionally unavailable and this will affect their future emotoinal states. My Dad was emotionally unavailable which was difficult. 

You are not a horrible person but it's best to see the situation for what it is and act on it.

What bad luck your counsellor has terminal cancer too, can you see another one? Can you see your GP for counselling, you must be anxoius and depressed and your kids will pick up on this.

Don't beat yourself up about debt and bad choices, you were under stress, there are debt advice services out there, just look online, stepchange is one, there must be others too, they can help you with debt

I know he is ill, but he is acting selfishly, you are the one trying to sort out the problems, maybe I hate to say this but divorce may be the only answer.

I really hope this helps, if you wanna chat more you can add me as a friend as we need to be friends before we chat and I feel intrusive adding you as it was you who reached out, wisely.

Hi

Thank You for taking the time to reply to my rant.

Yes his mum and dad had him when they were only 16 and his dad was in and out of his life, always forgetting when he was supposed to take him and forgot birthdays a lot which upset him. He hasn't spoke to his dad in 13 years now (after his dad forgot our daughters birthday). His dad doesn't know we have a second child, wasn't at our wedding and doesn't know about the cancer. And he only lives a mile away, so I think that causes some of the depression.

We don't fight. Sometimes I wish we did as that would show some passion. Because we have been together so long we know each other very well. He picked up on me being down yesterday so he got up and done some housework, but all zi really want is for him to spend some time with me. I set dinner up outside yesterday for us all, but he didn't sit with us. I couldn't say anything as he was hoovering while we ate dinner. I think he has an eating disorder as he hates food, I have to force him to eat (started with the cancer). 

we both love each other a lot but I'm not sure anymore if he just maybe sees me as family, instead of the kind of love a husband should show his wife. Not sure if that makes sense!

The debt doesn't help as I am constantly stressed about it. I can't go to a debt charity as it would ruin my credit file (which I know isn't good due to size of debt) and I would loss my job. Also my car is on personal contract so I need credit to renew it every 3 years. I took out consolidation loan and am repaying over 5years but it's a secured loan on quite high interest which terrifies me. 
 

I'm sure the kids do feel like he is emotionally unavailable. Sometimes I feel like a single mum with them, he is always there physically but not emotionally. He doesn't go out or anything, stopped seeing his friends years ago. Which makes me feel guilty every time I do go out with friends (not that often).

Its very hard. I love him so much, I don't want to be with anyone else. I know he loves me deep down. I just want to rewind life, but I know I can't do that.

i think writing this has made me realise I need to get another counsellor or I might ask him about couples counselling. (After the lockdown).

i hope that you are doing ok x

thanks so much,

Hi [@Lolaroxie]‍ 

I wondered if there was a backstory to your husbands emotional state, thanks for explaining about his dad and sorry things were bad for him, but he needs to process these emotions or they will eat away at him.

Good that you don't fight. Please don't wish violence, but regarding passion, do you have any hobbies or interests you are passionate about?

It's nice your husband empathised with you, picking up on you being down and got up and done some housework.

Can you calmly explain that you would love him to spend more time and be present with you, but remember that unprocessed emotions mean he cannot be fully present, especially with the cancer on top.

Sorry he didn't sit with you at dinner.

Maybe, (I'm no expert) the food issue is emotional too.

If I get you right, the love is like brother and sister or best friends rather than lovers, but sex is not everything, a cuddle is enough, maybe he feels unprocessed emotions around intimacy, I am no psychotherapist though.

hugs x

My heart went out to you when I read this post.   It's so awful what your husband is going through but you have a life too..... I would seriously consider finding another councillor..... you need to talk this through with a professional..... you are being everything to everyone, mother to your children, breadwinner, carer, everything and that's too much for anyone to bear! 
Please please go to your GP and get referred for some therapy .... with regards to the debt.... I know it must be like two bricks on your shoulders... but 40k is not insurmountable..... I was in a similar situation... good job but just over spent.  I think it was the only thing that made me feel good! 
I saw a debt councillor and they helped me negotiate with the CC companies to freeze interest etc and get a payment plan in place so I felt much more in control. 
You are a human being, a mother, and so important to the people in your lives..... give yourself the help you deserve.... you can do it! X 

Thank you so much for all you’re kind words. 

I am definitely going to see a counsellor when the lockdown is over. 

It sounds silly but I actually already feel like a huge wait has been lifted just by sharing my post and knowing others have read it and understand.

We have been through so much together, I really want to make it work but it won’t  while I feel alone. I am going to speak to a counsellor on my own and take it from there but I am also considering asking him about couple counselling. 

I hope you are safe and well.

Thank You and Take Care x

Hi [@Lolaroxie]‍ 

Thank you for letting us know that a huge weight has been lifted by sharing your feelings with us. That makes me feel  helpful.

Dunno how long lockdown will last but if it goes on we are always here to talk. 

Great idea, I would recommend going by yourself first so you can vent all your feelings with out putting your hubbie on the defensive. 
Then try to get him to go too. 
I'm ok right now... two bored teenage boys at home. 
Have found a lump in my breast and have a hospital app on Tuesday.  I'm not going to get too stressed till I know what I'm dealing with. 
x 

Hi, sorry to read all you have been through. A lot is ringing bells in my head of going through the same. As your post was nearly a year ago, I'm guessing I'm looking for hope asking "how has the story turned out?"xx

I have read the post from yhe wife who feels like she is losing her husband through silence. When I was at my worst my husband withdrew and created a whole secret life to escape me. It was lonely and heartbreaking. My point is, when I started to recover, he tried to come back but I could not feel that closeneas anymore. Your husband is pitting himself first and that means you will constantly be hurting. I no longer love my husband as I did. He let me down and whilst this is reversed to you, the principle is the same. Being puahed away and left.to fend for yourself be it you or him means that the love does disappear.  I cannot forgive him. I just cant. I dont trust him not to do the same again. And that isnt illness, its how someone supports you. You need support.  I am slowly building my life alone but at least I dont have the hurt of the relationship.