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Struggling to cope with Mum whilst she cares for Dad

GraceIOW
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My Dad was diagnosed with Sarcomatoid Mesothelioma in Dec, since then he has rapidly declined emotionally an physically.  When he went into the hospice for the first time for respite this was because Mum wasnt coping and Dad needed a break.  It was so calm there and he liked it.  Pain was managed for a while and he was able to attend Mum's 70th.  However mentally he struggled.  Pain was still not managed so 4 weeks ago he went back into the hospice for pain management, they gave him to high a dose and he went toxic so they reduced it and pain was managed.  A very worrying time for us.  We thought he would be out soon but COVID has kept him in.  4 weeks later and he is different has deteriorated a lot more, is slightly delusional, is not able to use phone or TV as he could before.  We didnt expect such a rapid decline in 4 weeks. Mum wanted him out of the hospice as she felt she could care for him better, but my sister and I found we got to spend quality time with him in there and he was relaxed, he even cracked jokes and he was cared for. by the nurses.  Mum wanted him home, not sure Dad did as much as she did.  Anyway, he was able to come out on Monday, since then Mum has been operating at a high stress level as usual, I try and help but she lashes out and controls everything so I cant do anything right.  She is emotionally bashing me with insults when I try and suggest ideas to help and we end up falling out and clashing and I feel so sorry for Dad.  She cant cope but I feel its a worse environment for him then it was in the hospice as it isnt calm.  She doesnt lash out at my sister, only me.  She isnt communciating with me and gets defensive as if she thinks I dont think she can cope.  I dont think her level of stress or trying to sort anything out is sustainable but she wont listen.  Is anyone else struggling in this way with family members and do you have any advice.  All I want is to spend time with my Dad but I feel like she's getting in the way and doesnt want me to. Do you have any advice?

 

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    So I'm going to answer your questions from a Mothers point of view.  She wants her husband at home so she can spend what time is left with him, you seem more concerned about you spending quality time with your Dad and cutting Mum out of the horrible situation she is in.  I'm speaking from experience as my husband has been very near to being taken from me this year whilst battling incurable lung cancer, I would be quite distressed if my two daughters thought they new better than me as to how we should live out our final days together.  It's extremely stressful caring for a husband who has cancer and if you're being critisced whilst doing it you will  lash out.  She needs love and understanding and support, they're a couple and need you to both help them through this, bite your tongue if she doesn't like what you suggest, if it gets worse seek help from the nursing profession and include Mum in those discussions.  I feel for you all because I'm living the life your Mum is, it's hard and it's not easy holding it all together.  I'm sure others will give you advice as well and I truly hope you all work together for your parents sake.  Thinking of you all at this sad time,  Carol x 

  • Offline in reply to Dor06

    Hi Carol, 

    Thanks for your response.  It has really helped hearing it from your point of view as I feel Mum can't express what she is feeling into words, I imagine this is everything she would say, instead of lashing out.  

    I guess these situations heighten old wounds in families,  I think this is why we are clashing.  Mum is quite a dominating character, Dad and I rarely have one to one chats because of this.  Recently, I have been able to talk to him freely when she hasnt been around in the hospice and Ive loved it., we've talked about memories and had laughs  I guess my view is that I want this to continue at home too which I guess does come across as selfish, but my desparate need to have this time with him before its too late is showing itself.  By no means would I ever want time to be taken away from mum or them, and I never want to cut her out.

    I spoke to someone at the hospice recently and he made me realise that even though I feel like I am 'giving' to them by helping to make life easier around the house or suggesting ways to help, she is taking it as a criticism, which was never my intention so in fact even though I feel I am 'giving' I am actually 'taking away' from her without realising.  I have never thought about this before.  Sometimes you can help too much and its not wanted.  

    She has said some really hurtful things to me recently so its hard for me to show or give all the things you say I need to give her.  Even though I want to, its kind of made me feel numb and pull away as I am hurt.  Also does she even want comfort from me now?  If I give it, is it the right time, right way, because I do everything wrong?  

    Ive decided to go into their house as more of a guest and be a daughter rather than another carer as it seems to blur the lines when I do odd jobs, help Dad with his meds and encourage him to get up and washed.  I think she wants to do these things and I end up hurting her if I take this away.  So my initial attempt to help isnt taken well.  I will stop until she asks me for help or will ask if she needs anything instead of jumping in and trying to fix everything.  

    When you say its hard holding everything together, do you feel like you HAVE to hold eveything together?  This is how my Mum sees it, which is why I say to her she doesnt need to do everything, but she also wants to?  It's something I cant get my head around, I could help but she wants to do it to the point that it stresses her out and I hate to see this.  When she finally breaks is this when I step in?  Whereas all along I could have helped take the pressure off and helped her health.  It really confuses me.  I guess I will never know as I am not in their position and feeling what they are feeling as a partner caring for their partner.

    Thanks for your post, I really appreciate your reply and insight.  Im so sorry you are also going through this awful time and I send my love and best wishes to you all.

    Grace x  

  • Offline in reply to GraceIOW

    Dear Grace, what a lovely insightful reply.  I thought you might think that I had been too harsh but you understand where I am coming from.  My two daughters in their forties live many miles away and visited when they could and their Dad was always lovely and calm and smiling.  Not so much when they left and the saying you hurt the one you love has never been more true.  He critiscied me all the time because he had lost his own capabilities to help, he would get angry and carp and complain about the food I cooked and so on and we've been married fifty years!  My two never saw any of this, wasn't Dad marvellous coping so well, wasn't he brave, all this whilst I was run ragged, cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening, paying bills and caring for someone seriously ill and unless you pay for it there is very little help to be offered.  After weeks of being away my eldest daughter visited for a few days and the window cleaner came, he was new and every time my husband moaned,  criticised and said he was rubbish, find a new one, it went on and on and I ended up crying in my bathroom, do you know what my daughter said, I was over reacting and being childish, for the first time in my life I told her she had no idea what I was coping with and to go away and leave me alone, I've never seen her so shocked but I reapplied my makeup as we were all going out for lunch including my grandchildren, put a smile on my face and had a lovely afternoon. So don't behave like a visitor, you're not, you're her daughter and yes we can have complicated relationships with our Mums but we still love you.  I hope you get through this tough time for you all.  Love Carol x 

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