Hello Donna22,

                         l read your post a while ago but have deliberately waited before responding to what for you will be extremely trying circumstances,and my just saying how sorry l am ,would be of such little comfort.

Having gone through colon cancer with spread to the liver,albeit treatable with surgery,l have some understanding of the pressures you face,since at the outset l had to face the prospect of a poor prognosis.Your post bought back memories of the feelings,emotions, and actions that accompanied the struggle and fight to carry on, so l thought sharing might be of some little help.

Cancer for me was a very personal thing,yes their was support all around me,but they were in the final anylysis onlookers.That is not to say their support was not welcome, but it is between cancer and you.l remember trying to pin down all the thoughts that were just invading my mind,struggling to pin them down ,put them in order to make sense of them.desperately wanting peace,time and space to do this,resulting in shutting those around me off,and in doing so,hurting their feelings deeply.Its not that l did not realise l was doing this,just the opposite,but the overwhelming sense that l needed to this.In a sense l had to let what l had before fall down,because my overriding focus had to be on rebuilding a solid foundation in my life in order to be able to place a stable order and relationship upon it.

  You go to a very lonely place place during this period of time,and for me l remember fearing letting my wife too close in case she sensed my fears and concerns.Worried that this would have a really bad effect on her and wanted to protect her from this,of course in creating that distance you achieve exactly that,but nonetheless felt if l could get to that place l sought ,l could make it alright again.The pressure of financial responsibilities,and the knowledge that there was no choice other than to get dragged down slowly to a natural death to preserve dependants futures.Of course their is no way you want your nearest to pick up on this,hence the distance.Not holding a conversation avoids this,but the abruptness hurts the very ones you are trying to protect.

       The pain interferes with the ability to show compassion to others es[pecially those close.To outsiders like your medical team ,you maintain the facade of dealing with your fate in a measured,calm demeanour,but cannot keep that pretence up, and revert as you relax around that those closest to you .The brutal reality is that the sufferer has only the fight in their sights,their closest can only look on and suffer.None of the above is to say that your support is anything less than vital,that it is not recognised by the sufferer,or regretted,but l remember the overwhelming realisation of priorities.

Please remember all that you do is right,there is no wrong,that your other half will know this even when he does not show it.That the hardest struggle will be upon you,and the hardest pain will be upon him for putting you there.He will be struggling to just find some solid ground to make everything right again.l hope in time this will happen and you can both rediscover the special place you occupied and where you shared your lives together

                                         My apologies for my poorly wrote offering,but it is meant with sincere feelings, and l hope you gain some measure of comfort and understanding from it,

                                                                                                                          David