Break Up After Cancer

Hi there I'm new to the forum

I'm just looking for some advice from people who have been in the same situation as me. Now my ex partner of 5yrs was dignoised with testicular cancer, with spreading to his lymph nodes & lungs in September 2018.
 

He went through 6 rounds of chemotherapy & 8hr major surgery. I became a full time carer all throughout his treatment, had sleepless nights bedside him in hospital. My partner was only 27 at the time and I was 24. Throughout his treatment my partner, appreciated my help so much and was always prasing to other people, how he couldn't of done it without me. We both had other mental health issues due to his illness that we managed to get back on track for. 
 

As of September 2019 my partner was told he was free from cancer which was a huge sigh of relief! We never thought we'd see this day coming! After a few months however I noticed a change in my partners attitude towards myself but not other people. He has become, more angry in himself, keeping his feelings away from me, having a rude manner towards me. I kept telling myself that it's all his treatment that has made him feel this way, so I tried to oversee this & carry on with life as normal as possible. 
 

He recently started a new job 2 weeks ago after nearly 2yrs off work. Everyday he comes in unhappy, unhappy with work and he says unhappy with life in general. As of a few days ago he told me he wanted to end the relationship for good, which came as a massive shock to me, and told me to move out of our family home. He has also turned his whole family against me, which was never unlike him before he was diagnosed. 
 

I did try and ask him questions, to see if I could get him any help but he wouldn't tell me anything. It's like he's become a completely different human to when I first met him. I wanted to get an understanding, of what cancer has done to him to try and save the relationship. I just feel like he has made the wrong decision, and I'm concerned he's depressed due to so many changes in his life? 

He won't let me see him anymore but I'm still deeply concerned about his wellbeing and mental health from this. It's such a shame it's come to this situation as my ex partner used to be such a lovely person.

  • Hi there

    Really sorry to hear of your situation. I'm not a psychologist but feel there could be a couple of things going on here 1) depression. There is quite a high number of people who'll suffer from depression once treatment is over, there is also the possibility of PTSD. Although in remission there is always the fear that the cancer may return. I live with someone who suffers from depression and he rewrites the past to portray it in a negitive light; accusing others of doing nasty things to him when nothing of the sort had ever happened. I think its the nature of the beast of depression to look at things negitively. 2) Perhaps you are a constant reminder of his cancer, you were the one that was closest to him and there 24/7, you provided him with a crutch when he needed it but he no longer needs it.  I would imagine he feels really bad about all of this and to try and justify it to himself and ease his guilt he needed to (in his mind) cast you in a bad light to himself and family.

    Perhaps you could write him an email saying that you understand how much he has been through and how it must have effected him and that you will be there for him if he needs to talk. Perhpas even include some links for support resources for him to look up. Other than that I don't see what else you can do. 

    I think you've did an amazing job supporting him through all of this but perhaps its time for you to concentrate on you for a while. put yourself first and think about what you want from life.